SUPERULES PANDEMIC SPREADS
The Office of Sport & Recreation has issued an official warning about the uncontrollable spread of “Supers Virus” throughout the community.
Despite a raft of precautions and restrictions figures reveal an unprecedented outbreak of the insidious illness. Every club in South Australia is reporting increased numbers of men afflicted by “Superules Syndrome”.Symptoms include a distorted sense of reality and will be reflected in comments including:“I haven’t played for 10 years but….”
“I don’t have private health insurance but I’m sure I won’t need it…”
“Being bald and rotund will make me quicker…”
“Let me stand Wayne Weidemann…”
It has also been labeled “Mid Life Crisis Condition” and “Football Fever Syndrome”.
Government authorities are urging club officials to report any new occurrences to local sporting bodies for immediate isolation of the individuals and counseling of people who have had contact with those infected.
Its origins have been traced back 25 years ago when a small group of past players were first exposed to a strain which was considered a low grade infection. It appears to have laid dormant for a number of years with just minor outbreaks which failed to bring it to the attention of authorities. However, we appear to be on the verge of a red alert now as the disease hovers on the precipice of being categorised as a dangerous pandemic .
Each year, government bodies have sanctioned a national carnival for Superules players from all over Australia. Last year this event was held in Darwin and the ensuing 8 days of quarantine quelled the spread of the disease as it disappeared off the radar until March this year, when it hit back with a vengeance.
The Office of Sport & Recreation is working in partnership with other government bodies to reduce possible exposure to the disease or at least reduce the effect on those who are only mildly infected.
The Australian Taxation Office banned income tax claims on sporting equipment and the Health Department increased private health subscriptions to discourage players from joining top level categories to cover sporting injuries.
Despite this the threat of a pandemic increased forcing the Federal Government to fabricate a Global Economic Crisis to generate a climate of fear so vulnerable employees would choose work over sport.
In a nationally concerted effort the Weather Bureau has conspired to create droughts to make ovals unplayable in an effort to discourage the disease at its source. Despite this, two more cases were reported at Henley on Sunday as the disease showed no signs of abating.
The Hills and Portland teams, both swollen with players oozing the “Superules Strain”, were a threat to public safety. An illness, which obviously affects older male members of the sporting world, could be seen in all its hideous glory.
Shortness of breath, poor coordination, shocking judgment, “foul mouth” frustration and a complete obliviousness to the terrifying effects of wearing tight shorts in public, horrified onlookers.
Long term sufferers include Chris Hill, Kim Pearce, Dave McGill, Alex Tucker, Neil Thomson and Ron Berry. In the absence of a cure, or community intervention, these men have continued to battle the disease, oblivious of its potential infectiousness.
No one has told Kim his hair is too retro; Alex that his tan is too orange; Dave that those abs are obviously not real; Ron that grey hair does not make him look more dignified; or Chris that those legs should not be seen in public.
Governments can only do so much and without a coordinated community program of re-education, these people will continue to suffer ad infinitum.
The disease could be seen in advanced forms in a number of players on Sunday.
Dick Kleemann was moved to enact three smothers and a series of fearless tackles as he tried desperately to exorcise excess adrenalin from his system. Rob McGregor and Chris Geraghty followed suit with spoils and smothers and Mark Jaensch kept running in the hope that he could exhaust the disease.
The raging “football fever” drove Tommy Hancock to risk further hamstring damage and caused Aleks Bojanic’s hair to stand more on edge than normal.
The most alarming example of the “football fever symptom” was Kim Pearce who was physically ill before the game but covered his cause with the “It was something I ate” line.
The effects of the virus vary with individuals displaying a range of symptoms.
Dave “Runt” Wuttke was reduced to 20 metre kicks and Simon “Killer” Kemp suppressed his normal wild man antics to avoid potentially destructive collisions with vulnerable opponents. Sean Watt consistently passed to leading forwards, on his own team, and Damon Wilson, wide eyed from being recently infected, kept marking the ball in the goal square; strange times indeed.
Rugged Portland, who normally reflect the “Underbelly” of society, were occasionally reduced to “soft belly” as the Hill’s players exhibited far worse symptoms than their opponents.
With no signs of abating, one wonders, “Has the government given up on its policy of containment and adopted a Darwinian approach, hoping that a breed of men will emerge capable of resisting the strain?”
HILLS 19 – 8 PORTLAND 7 – 4
Best: Kleemann, Jaensch, Kemp, Watt, Wuttke, Geraghty, Hancock
Goals: Hancock, Kleemann 4, Wilson 3, Pearce 2, Slater, Hill, Jaensch, Kemp, Watt 1
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