COMETTI DOES CLARE
The split round of AFL matches provided Dennis Cometti with time off and the opportunity to sample a different level of football.
The Hills’ Superules match at Clare on the weekend was the perfect escape from his hectic schedule but his compulsion for commentating meant the game had its own colourful, verbal account.
On a freezing day, characterised by strong winds from the South Pole along with incessant drizzle, the Mid North and Hills’ teams battled gallantly on the Mintaro Oval. The ever perceptive Cometti immediately embraced the essence of the match. Within minutes the ample frame of burly Hills’ full forward, Gary Magee, landed with sickening force on top of his much smaller opponent, only metres from the goal line. “They’ll be drawing a chalk outline of the body in that goal square”, was Cometti’s assessment of the situation.
As conditions worsened, the game was characterised by heavy body clashes, untidy disposals and high levels of player frustration. The antics of an extremely annoyed Alex “Tuck” Tucker attracted Cometti’s attention. “I wonder what the team psychologist will make of that: Tuck dropped that mark and immediately shouted out his own name”.
The home team, inspired by a vocal and supportive crowd scored the first two goals of the match, only to surrender the lead and ultimately the momentum by quarter time. “This season Mid North have blown more leads than Inspector Clouseau” was the profound appraisal by the Channel Seven guru.
As players fearlessly threw themselves into packs, Wayne “Chucky” Seymour distinguished himself by being more reckless than anyone should ever be. “Chucky’s my man, he never takes a breather. If he was a postman he would finish his round in 20 minutes, stopping only to bite a few dogs along the way”.
Richard “Dick” Kleemann was so dominant that the skill he displayed in nailing one of his six goals prompted Cometti to describe it as follows: “A truly magnificent goal. He just strolled between three defenders who until that moment were having delusions of adequacy”.
Three quarter time, with drizzle continuing to be driven across the ground by the icy wind, was Cometti’s finest moment. Confronted by a wafer thin and shivering Dave “Runt” Wuttke, the commentator assessed what he saw. A completely purple body topped with a black beanie prompted the question, “Is this a bulimic Tele Tubby?”
Cometti displayed his true professionalism by researching some of the history of a number of the Hills’ players. In relation to Chris Hill he observed that, “When Chris debuted in 1987 petrol was 50 cents a litre, “Faith” by George Michael was number one and Michael Jackson still had a nose”.
The hyper active “rubber man” Dave McGill also caught Cometti’s eye with his athletic ability to dive under packs, take a hit and emerge with the ball without breaking stride. “He’s so tough he’s made a career on liniment, pain killers and smelling salts”.
Simon Kemp also impressed in treacherous conditions with his ability to keep his footing when those around him tumbled. “Simon has a very low centre of gravity. He is like a fire hydrant, which is great unless you’re playing the Bulldogs”.
Tommy Hancock, who thrived on his role up forward, made no secret of the pleasure he derived from kicking goals. “The goals beckoned and when Tommy realised he had so much time his eyes lit up like Paris Hilton spotting a water bed”.
The tragic adventures of Paul Zoontjens, who was one of 22 players to make the trip to Clare, gave Cometti cause for comment. “Paul bounced violently off one opponent and into another, leaving him bruised and battered. If you watch the replay backwards I bet it would say Paul is dead”.
The match continued the amazing unbeaten run of the Hills’ team as they eventually demolished the courageous Mid North cohort. The Supertigers can now look forward to bigger challenges from PHOS Camden and then a titanic clash with Gawler at Lobethal the week after.
HILLS 18 – 11 MID NORTH 3 – 4
Best: Kleemann, Wuttke, Seymour, Hancock, Jaensch, Tucker, Kemp
Goals: Kleemann 6, Magee 5, Hancock 3, Wall 2, Seymour, Hill 1
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