The Ross Wall File - Round 2 v Pooraka

MORE INEVITABLE THAN A BLACK CAVIAR VICTORY
John Farnham will make another “Farewell Tour”. Poker machines always win in the end.You will go wrinkly in the bathtub. Football club review nights will invariably have guys dressing up as girls. A yellow car will always be a “lemon”. “Whoops” is never good and Superules will survive due to the never ending occurrence of mid life crises in men.

Ron Berry at pace

All are certainties of life.

Death, taxes and the fact that Hills over 35s will flog Pooraka every time they play are three others.

Chucky Seymour strikes a pose

Not in living memory has a Pooraka team got close to the Hills’ cohort.

1996 was their big chance when 28 Magpies made the trek to Mt Lofty to take on 13 Supertigers. They did get within 10 goals on that occasion. 

'Pretty Boy' Kleemann



Sunday’s game at Pooraka was again highly predictable.

Pooraka, the team that train twice a week, were outclassed by the gaggle of specimens who join up once a fortnight for matches.



Weeks pumping up the guns!!



Good teams are predictable and on any Superule’s Sunday you will see Kleemann pass to Weeks, then goal; or vice versa. This became very apparent during the Pooraka match, so much so, that Matty Mayes decided to “break the chain”. Running to “their spots”, Mayes was able to get on the end of a string of passes to finish accurately and break the pattern. He did this on three separate occasions, each time with an ever increasing level of satisfaction.

Debutante Alex Antic



Another delightful inevitability about this Hills’ team is that new players, invited out by incumbents, are more than capable. In need of a lawyer for team balance, the club trawled Duncan, Basheer, Hannon until running machine Alex Antic agreed to try his hand. Not only did he play well but discovered what he thought was a fertile field of potential claimants, as many looked like workplace accident victims. Unfortunately for Alex, in most cases, “It’s the way I’ve always walked” was the response.

It is a long time since Onkas supplied the Hills’ Superules team with a “real footballer” but debutant Michael “Hammer” Hamilton looked the goods at full forward. Not since Ron Hanson, in the days of boots with wooden sprigs, has an Onka’s player made such a debut. “Hammer” kicked a lazy seven and straightened up the boundary obsessed Tigers.


Could Lyons be the next Tiger's pest??

Ben Lyons also debuted and his playing style bore an uncanny resemblance to Fremantle serial pest Hayden Ballantyne. It’s always good to have another “in and under” type to dish out easy balls to the plethora of wide runners in the team.



Hamlton marks strongly



The inclusion of three “newbies” caused coach Dave Piro some angst with a player on the bench he had to rotate into the game. Fortunately Andrew Day “copped” an injury and this enabled the coach to concentrate on what can best be described as an average half time joke.



One other reassuring piece of predictability is that if a Superules game is scheduled, Chris Hill will be there. His continuous playing record must, by now, be the over 35s equivalent of Jim Styne’s VFL/AFL record.

Like the Crows, winning form can be deceptive, depending on whom you have played.

The next match is an absolute danger game in terms of location and opponent.

Enticing players to Reynella to play is difficult at the best of times; many equating it with a trip to Siberia. This Sunday’s opponent, Blackwood, represents a local Hill’s derby to rival a Crows, Port showdown. Invariably Blackwood field their best team and a spirited encounter can be expected.

Equally important is the “progressive dinner” to be held the week after, and similar problems with player commitment is to be expected. This event is being held despite sage advice to the contrary. The result of the previous dinner, six years ago, was a nude, player calendar which circulated a little too freely throughout the Hills for most peoples’ liking.

HILLS 2 supergoals 21 – 12 (162) POORAKA 4 – 5 (29)
Best: Kleemann, Weeks, Seymour, Mayes, Hamilton, Day, Powell
Goals: Hamilton 7, Kleemann 5, Mayes 3, Powell, Weeks 2, Jaensch*, Pearce*, Seymour, Wall 1
* Supergoal

It goes something like that...where's that bloody ball

The Lincoln Powell School of Kicking



The Ross Wall File - Round 1 v Portland

POWER OUT FOR TIGERS

The opening game of the Superules season looked in danger of being a fizzer as grave doubt remained over the availability of a number of key players.

Coach Dave Piro was last seen queuing for Port Power tickets but no one had told him they weren’t playing at Adelaide Oval. Newcomer Dale Schmidt, a fully fledged Greater Western Sydney supporter, was rumoured to be at the airport. He thought he had signed up to fly with Tiger, rather than play for the Tigers. Darren Watkins, who averages one game every three years was expected to play sometime before 2014. Dave “Runt” Wuttke was rumoured to have quit the club over a Dave Piro witticism. In 2011 he was quoted as saying, “Runt’s playing form is hot but his kicking is barely room temperature”. Aleks Bojanic had lingered too long in the solarium and realised no self respecting team can have an orange ruckman. Mark Jaensch was a definite non starter as recent plastic surgery had left him looking a little too much like Delta Goodrem. Nevertheless, eighteen players did front on Sunday to take on Portland, and a tight, occasionally feisty game ensued.

Surprisingly for a team that never trains, the Supertigers displayed solid kicking skills in field play and looked up and about. Kim Pearce’s passing was accurate and Dom Ryde was running well out of defence, sometimes even with the ball. Key onballers Dick Kleemann, Matty Mayes and Wayne “Chucky” Seymour were locked in a “full on battle” with a fit, running Portland Power cohort. Aleks “Valencia” Bojanic was winning most of the ruck contests and marking strongly around the ground.

“New kids on the block” Dale Schmidt and Andrew Day, not surprisingly, found themselves in defence. Both attacked the ball well, marked strongly and provided excellent rebound; playing like natural defenders. It can take years for new players to earn a forward birth but these guys could be in the backlines for life.

The aspect of the game that let the Supertigers down was their goal kicking. By half time the Power had kicked 7 – 1 to 2 – 6. Stalwart goal umpire, Graham “Friar” Tuck was heard to mutter, “They’d kick themselves but with their luck they would probably miss”.

Incapacitated onlooker Darren Watkins had promised the team what he couldn’t deliver. On a hot day he had promised the boys that the ice cream truck, which had been seen at the ground pre match, would reappear at half time. Sadly it never arrived.

Andrew 'Daisy' Day...was heard saying,
 'What was I thinking?'

Coach Piro to the rescue. His pre season coaching preparation had been spot on, and freed from the burden of rotating players off the bench, he was able to deliver, unencumbered, a classic Irish joke which threatened to lift the entire team. The full impact of this clever psychological ploy was slow to take but, like a ripple effect, it gradually permeated the very being of each player.

The third quarter was goal for goal which left the Supertigers still looking down the barrel at the final change.



Ross Wall takes a strong contested mark...but did he convert

 However, like the good team they think they are, the Hills’ boys hit back in the last quarter. Emulating a gentle, slow moving Tsunami they gradually swamped their opponent to hit the front with three minutes to play. Goals to Randall Weeks, Kleemann and a running goal to Lincoln Powell saw the Black and Gold warriors take a five point lead. Desperately clinging to this advantage the ball seesawed between half back lines until with seconds remaining a loose ball was pounced upon by a Power runner who snapped truly.

Post match it was feared that Rigor Mortis had set in as Day sat statue like with hands on knees for fifteen minutes in the change rooms. Fear of severe muscle spasm from any form of movement created a condition of total immobility. This rare ailment required significant skill and sensitive handling by his team mates to coerce him into the shower and home for three days of unrelenting discomfort. His ability to function with any degree of usefulness on the home front will no doubt determine his future availability.

Ross Wall floored by poor umpiring decisions

Heartbreak for the Supertigers will quickly be converted into action as they front Pooraka in the early game at Pooraka next Sunday.

PORTLAND 10 – 3 HILLS 9 – 8
Best: Kleemann, Weeks, Mayes, Seymour, Bojanic, Day, Wall
Goals: Kleemann, Weeks, Wylie 2, Hill, Powell 1

Season 2012 Just Around The Corner

Supertigers Fixture 2012

15-4 PORTLAND Elizabeth 2.30pm
22-4 POORAKA Pooraka 12.30pm

6-5 BLACKWOOD Reynella 2.30pm

20-5 GAWLER Lobethal 12.30pm

3-6 RIVER MURRAY Murray Bridge 1pm

17-6 PHANTOMS East TBC

1-7 ROSEWATER Lobethal 12.30pm

15-7 RIVERLAND Berri 1pm

29-7 WEST Adelaide Uni TBC

12-8 FITZROY East 2.30pm

26-8 BYE

9-9 MID NORTH Lobethal 1pm

The Ross Wall File - Round 4 vs Phantoms

ROYAL WEDDING FASCINATION
Despite the distraction of the Royal Wedding the Hills’ Supertigers ensured that the PHOS Camden Phantoms were once again a bridesmaid but never a bride against the mighty Tigers.

The game was as tight as the security for the London extravaganza and like a young Elton John, could have gone either way.

This can be put down to the fact that many of the Hills’ players became obsessed with the gala event which severely affected their match preparation.

While the queen decked herself out in yellow hat and matching canary dress, Paul “Fluff” Woods complemented her outfit by playing in fluorescent yellow boots. As if his re-emergence from Singapore wasn’t a big enough shock for the team, his flashy boots and the extra 15 kilos he carried unbalanced himself and his fellow Tigers. Female wedding watchers were moved to observe that “He should have lost a few ponds before trying to squeeze into that outfit”.

Pre game they also commented on the fact that Dave “Runt” Wuttke’s hat looked like a lampshade. Bitchy but accurate.

Just like Justin Beiber teenage groupies, many had tales as to why their lives had parallels to the topical event taking place in Westminster Abbey.

Michael Toubia explained in graphic detail about being descended from a long line of Syrian royalty, but how he is currently banished from his country due to a princely faux pas. When told “You’re dreaming princess”, Michael took that as evidence that his story had credibility.

Kim Pearce, never one to be left out of an interesting discussion, chimed in with his gem that he has a royal affiliation fuelled by the fact that he only drinks “Crownies”.

Dave McGill trumped by describing life on Queen Street while Michael Hill wondered if “Crowning an opponent” put him in a special category.

Matty Mayes had to be told that only betting on Jack, Queen, King cards at the casino does not radiate regality and Gary Magee found that King size McDonald’s meals do not get you an invite to Buckingham Palace.

Wayne “Chucky” Seymour honestly believed that he had royal genes which were widely recognised by his mates at school. “Why else would they give me the “Royal Flush” each day?”

The game was a right royal battle as the improving Phantoms took it to the distracted Supertigers. It took some outstanding individual efforts to ensure the Hill’s remains the only team it has never beaten.

In the wonderful spirit of giving, which emanated from the excitement of the royal wedding, Neil Thomson gave much to his well credentialed opponent. Battling against former North Adelaide star Glen Sandford, Neil gave him height, weight, a decade more in age and a sound flogging.

Randall Weeks, who overcame the disappointment of the reality that drinking at the King’s Head does make him royalty, excelled in covering more ground than British reporters chasing William and Kate’s Aston Martin after the wedding.

Aleks Bojanic had a regal moment when he made a “Right royal hash” of an open goal opportunity. Having slotted one goal Aleks, unselfishly and unfathomably, tried to pass to a team mate when in a position to rack up a second. The brain snap, which rivaled Richard Douglas’ bizarre backward handball the week before, ended in a “Royal stuff up” but did not cost the team a goal or the match.

Post match the sense of relief was tangible but still the regal references continued.

Chris Hill’s slightly receding hair patch drew comparisons to the royal groom’s expanding scalp line. This prompted Chris to explain that he is actually from royal parentage but is now in the witness protection program and can’t reveal his true identity.

In summary the female observers rated Supertigers’ performance as follows:
DRESS: black and gold cover a multitude of sins
TRAIN: like the onballers, slow but eventually get there
HAIR: receding and grey
MAKEUP: not enough to hide the wrinkles
SHOES: rarely matched their outfits

The Supertigers now face tough Port based team Portland in two weeks at Rosewater. The Wayne Weideman led outfit will be primed to repeat their effort against the Hills’ boys from three years ago at the same ground.

HILLS 11 – 11 PHANTOMS 8 – 16
Best: Thomson, Weeks, Toubia, Seymour, Wuttke, Bojanic, Woods
Goals: Toubia 3, Magee, Seymour, Weeks 2, Bojanic, Magill 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 13 vs Gawler

HILLS BEST AGAIN IN SUPERULES

For the fourth consecutive season, The Hills’ over 35s have claimed the unofficial premiership title. Losing only one game, they unofficially accumulated more premiership points than any other team; as a result the Supertigers have once again proved themselves to be the benchmark team in the competition.

Drawn to take on the formidable Gawler group in the final match of the season, the Hills’ team produced a dominant display, exorcising the ghosts of last round’s shock loss to Rosewater.

The victory was characterised by many heroic acts including Wayne Seymour fearlessly launching his “Chrome Dome” at the ball, Dave McGill’s impossible checkside goal, Neil Thomson’s Maradonna like major and Ron Berry parading in his super tight Warwick Capper style shorts.

It also happened to be played in the middle of the Pooraka Football Club’s premiership celebrations. This ensured a constant stream of noise, tuneless singing and the spectacle of the occasional streaker.

Typically, the last hoorah of the season brings the question of “Who will be back next year?

To help solve this dilemma, we must study what each player will do over the summer break.

The suicidal endeavours of Wayne “Exocet Missile” Seymour will be satisfied by his apprenticeship as a “Human Cannonball” at country shows.

Scott Molloy has offered to fire the canon.

Ron Berry will endeavour to squeeze into other 80s fashion outfits.

Burly full forward, Gary Magee displayed a hunger for the ball that made Barry Hall look like a wide receiver. He will no doubt find himself a good paddock to satisfy another hunger during the break.

Aleks Bojanic copped a severe “wedgy” from his opponent in a ruck contest and will search for his “undies” during summer.

Buff little “Body Workshop” manager Dave McGill again displayed his agility, flexibility and athleticism as he worked hard, beating opponents with his core strength and superior “Step Moves”.

The “Gym Junkie” will continue to feed his workout obsession, surrounded by scantily clad females, in the off season.

Sean Watt, who again managed to unsettle an opponent with his lack of Superule’s diplomacy, was a constant threat to peace in the forward region.

“Watty” will pursue his goal of being the next Foreign Affairs Minister.

Chris Hill’s son Michael rebounded well from defence and will work towards moving up the field so he can actually be the only one in the team to pass to his dad at full forward.

Father and son will build their “Hill Cricket Dynasty” over the warmer months to come.

Michael Toubia, in his debutant year, covered massive amounts of ground during each match. He also maintained an arduous boxing workout regime, played with great fearlessness and took on all comers regardless of size. Michael will now look for other insurmountable challenges in the off season.

His plan to trek the Kokoda Trail on his way to visiting the Dali Lama to convert him to Islam is typical of a man who believes that nothing is impossible.

Evergreen Kim Pearce dished out passes like a gate attendant at AAMI when the Crows are losing. In the off season he will endeavour to drink his weight in beer each week; hence status quo.

Randall “Ranga” Weeks displayed exceptional prime ministerial qualities in each match he played during a spectacular debut season. He lacked the “Strine” twang in his accent but was able to backflip readily and change direction and priorities quickly. He won over all his constituents and his presidential style leadership ensured “his team” won in its own right .

Rick Bennett dominated play and mesmerized the Gawler Saints with his raking left foot missiles which he launched with deadly accuracy.

During the break Rick will simply be raking leaves at home.

Dave “Runt” Wuttke rebounded in his normal unfashionable but highly effective manner. Over summer “Runt” will work on eliminating his conspicuous hat hair line caused by an obsessive attachment to a Sturt beanie.

Paul “Fluff” Woods battled manfully against bigger opponents as a back up ruckman. Always the optimist, “Fluff” would always place his team mates in the right place for the unlikely event that he actually got hand to ball.

He will undertake an intense Plyometrics course to recover the spring he believes he once possessed.

Graham “Friar” Tuck, the most functional and reliable member of the team, performed his goal umpiring duties with aplomb. It is hoped that he can manufacture a spare set of flags over summer and develop a water proof cover for his score card.

Coach Dave Piro met his key performance indicators with a series of passable jokes in the last few games.

Some believed it was too little too late, but with the promise of a new gag book, Piro intends to honour his contract for 2011.

Other players who will have challenging summers include Damien Dolman and Tommy Hancock who will require knee surgery; Chris Geraghty who is recovering from a shoulder reconstruction, Andrew Frohling battling a debilitating Achilles ailment and Dick Kleemann who must overcome another premiership hangover.

HILLS 12 – 14    GAWLER 6 – 7
Best: Seymour, Weeks, Bennett, Magee, Wuttke, McGill, Mayes
Goals: Magee 5, Watt 2, Bennett, McGill, Seymour, Thomson, Weekes 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 12 vs Rosewater

The Ross Wall File - Round 11 vs PHOS Phantoms

  

The Ross Wall File - Round 10 vs Mid North

NATURE VERSUS NUTURE...WHAT MAKES A DEFENDER TICK?

Are defenders born or are they made?

What type of person makes a good defender in football?

Is it a personality trait, an occupational offshoot or a values driven outcome?

On the nature side, a study of Hills’ Superules defenders personality styles revealed generally introverted characters with perfectionist traits.

This reaffirms the study commissioned by David Parkin when he coached Hawthorn that defenders are a special breed. No Jason Akermanis’ amongst this lot. The only handstand on Sunday was delivered by Randall Weekes, a non defender, which distracted Dick Kleemann’s focus when he was lining up for what should have been his third goal.

The Hills’ defenders are typically driven by the fear of making a mistake which can result directly in an opposition goal. Hence the low risk, careful approach to their football. They also prefer their own tight knit little group of fellow defenders to the broader gaggle of players from other parts of the field.

Defenders distrust forwards.

They shun limelight but will accept genuine praise when delivered sincerely. Defenders observe with distain how forwards will wallow in any types of gratuitous praise regardless of whether it is deserved or not. Some interpret this as jealousy based on forwards being about to lairise knowing that an early leap, an act of selfishness or just a careless kick can be forgiven without critical outcomes.

An assessment of vocations did group them into jobs that require specific, prescribed roles prioritising accuracy and order.

Rob McGregor’s vital calling as a “Beer Plumber” demands total accuracy and “keeping the bubbles in line”, while former “Correctional Services Officers” Scott Molloy and Dale Wiley were responsible for keeping the inmates “towing the line”.

Accountants Ron Berry and Andrew Frohling love to keep the “numbers in line” and used car salesman Chris Geraghty has to keep his “vehicles in line”.

The key question relating to the vocation study is how much their personalities drove them to their respective callings and how much their jobs influenced what they became.

Defenders are a special breed, marked by a clearly defined philosophy. They believe their roles are comprehensively prescribed with little room for negotiation or variation. Defenders will sledge onballers mercilessly for not getting back to help them but are generally loathed to leave their natural habitat. Rob “Max” McGregor, when offered a position in a winning forward line, politely thanked the coach and then returned to the last line of defence.

There is always an exception to the rule.

Dave “Runt” Wuttke, who is frighteningly gregarious, unstructured in his employment and in his younger days was naturally drawn to the dashing nature of the midfield, explained his role with more clarity. “I just go to the three loose opponents and hope for a miskick”.

The defenders certainly did their jobs on Sunday, restricting the Mid North forwards to just two goals but then sat back and again watched the goal kicking heroes at the other end of the ground bask in glory.

The defenders’ state of mind was not helped when they tried to explain to their more celebrated colleagues about their roles. Talk of spoils, smothers, close checking, desperate lunges and disciplined plays left their fellow Supertigers glazing over and disinterested. Some players really struggled with the concept of what actually happens down back, let alone why anyone would want to play there.

The non-believers treat defence like their motor car. They know they need it but if it doesn’t function have no real idea of what made it work in the first place and certainly couldn’t fix it themselves.

Once again this week, the glory went to the others.

Onballer David Threadgold was superb in close as was fellow “Chrome Dome” Wayne Seymour. Kleemann and Weekes combined grit and class and Rick Bennett had more “pictures on his arms” than anyone else in the team. Newcomer Matthew Mayes, who looks like a youthful Kane Cornes “ran himself ragged”, filling in for the opposition, and Dave McGill and Kim Pearce found more than their share of the ball.

It was another great win that left the boys from Clare in awe of this Superules juggernaut.

The Hills’ boys play their last home match for the year at Lobethal in two weeks time and expect the normal “bumper crowd” and regular level of interest as they strive for their 30th consecutive victory.

HILLS 21 – 7      MID NORTH 2 – 7
Best: Threadgold, Seymour, Kleemann, Mayes, Weekes, Bennett, Wall
Goals: Wall 5, Magee 4, Kleemann , Threadgold , Bojanic, McGill 2, Thomson, Bennett, Hill, Pearce 1

Nothing Funny Here…Supertigers Breaking All Known Records!

In the absence of regular Hill’s Supertiger’s news breaker Ross Wall, who is holidaying and celebrating a birthday in Vietnam, this week’s match report does not contain references or views on politics, employment, historical events or things of a ‘non politically correct’ nature. It is purely about football, maybe not quite as entertaining but a tribute to all that is the Hill’s Supertigers.

Again without playmakers Richard Kleemann and Simon Kemp together with the absence of 13 other strong contributors, the all conquering Hill’s team were able to slog out a hard fought 16 point win at the parklike home ground of the ultra competitive East Demons on Sunday.

Welcoming back former South Adelaide league player David Threadgold after a period of absence, the Tigers enjoyed great drive from stoppages with Threadgold, who collected match high statistics and ruckman Aleks Bojanic, coming into the game with bruised ribs and a knee only held together with Elastoplast, combining on numerous occasions to give the mobile forward line opportunities on the tight foothill’s ground.

With very narrow pockets, much like the Supertiger’s match payments, the Athelstone Oval proved to be difficult to navigate for stalwart defender David Wuttke. Running back with the flight of the ball Wuttke collided mid air with back pocket Michael Hill who also only had eyes for the ball. Crashing heavily to the ground, both were left shaking their heads, reminiscent of a scene from a Scooby Doo cartoon.

The hard working, straight running defensive skills of bustling fullback Scott Molloy caused great concern to the opposition with few prepared to stand in his way. Molloy, together with Damian Dolman and Hill were able to repel early attacks from the motivated team from the Eastern Suburbs giving the Tigers a slender lead at the long break.

Numerous options in the Hill’s forward line seemed to confuse the East defence with Kersbrook identity Kim Pearce and goal sneak Troy Snooks often finding themselves in the clear with open passage to goal. Foreman Legal 2010 Leading Goalkicker Gary Magee led and marked strongly all day whilst nursing a sore shoulder from the previous match. Magee finished the day with 3 goals taking him to 24 for the season well in front of the pack in the much sought after award.

With a long list of unavailables due to injury, school holidays and a distinct lack of motivation, the Hill’s Supertigers’ power brokers were able to negotiate terms with 3 new players. Rick Bennett (ex Mt Lofty and current Macclesfield Junior Colts Coach), Greg Herbert and Matthew Mayes (both ex Adelaide University in the SA Amateur League) all made strong claims for future selection. Bennett rebounded strongly from centre half back whilst Mayes showed speed and guile around the packs. Herbert was gratefully welcomed to the fold by well worn ruckmen Bojanic as further back up.

Ultimately it was the hard running, skilful aspect of the Hill’s team game that brought about its 28th consecutive win. Mark Jaensch and David McGill ran out the game strongly leaving opposition in their wake. Neil Thomson, Damian Ryde and Michael Toubia were all resolute in providing frontal defensive pressure while Chris Hill & Paul Wood provided targets in the forward line continually bringing the running players into the game.

With 4 games remaining in the 2010 season the Hills Supertigers are looking forward to the challenges ahead with the next match on Sunday August 1 at Blackwood FC against the travelling Mid North Clare team.

With only one question left…Will the mighty Hill’s Supertigers go unbeaten for the 2nd year in a row?

Hills 11 – 5 East 8 - 7
Best: Threadgold, Snooks, Pearce, Bojanic, Bennett, McGill, Magee
Goalkickers: Magee 3, Pearce, Threadgold, McGill 2, Toubia, Snooks 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 8 vs Pooraka

DANCI NG WITH TIGERS

Some people shouldn’t dance and most of the Hills’ over 35s players certainly fit that category.

The Hills’ Supertigers ran into massive injury trouble on the weekend as many of the players performed their own interpretations of popular dance moves. Despite this they were still able to nail their 27th straight victory against Pooraka at Mallala.

Struggling with their second road trip in seven days the Hills’ boys were missing 11 first pick players including the club champions from the past two years. Kleemann, Kemp, Geraghty, Watt, Damo, Tommy, Weekes, Threadgold, Frohling, McGregor, Thomson were all missing forcing the Superigers to face the populus Pooraka with just 15 players.

It brought back memories of the match at Mt Lofty in 1998 when only 13 black and gold warriors beat 24 Pooraka Pies by ten goals.

Again Pooraka arrived with 24 and did all the attacking for the first five minutes. During this time Gary “Twinkle Toes Flinstone” Magee did his shoulder in a marking contest and Dale “Dancing Queen” Wylie tore his groin muscle. Gary’s injury came after a tangle of arms in a chest to chest “barge fest” turned into a slow and very deliberate “Tango”. It ended when Gary was spun away from his partner and collapsed in pain.

Dale’s injury was quite spectacular as Chris Hill attempted to hand ball to Dale, alone in the goal square. Unfortunately, Chris rarely performs this feat and so the pass was quite high and wide of the mark.

To gain the maximum result, Dale had to extend his leg up near his ear to clip the ball on its way through the goals and register the team’s first major. The “Can Can” performance was spectacularly executed with boot contacting ball just before the goal line. Tragically, the routine was as difficult as it looked and unthinkable damage was inflicted on the groin area. Close to tears due to the pain, Dale did manage to share with his team mates, as they slapped him on the back, that he regularly performs this type of manoeuvre in the bedroom. He and Gary then shared ice packs for the rest of the match.

The most frustrating of injuries, which saw the Hills’ team reduced to just 12 players, was that of Gavin Reichelt’s. Plagued by lower leg injuries, Gavin set off after his opponent as the ball ran wide towards the boundary line. Interestingly Gavin runs with a slightly unnatural gait, reminiscent of someone performing “The Grapevine”. His legs cross, his body sways sideways and his waving arms are completely out of time with the rest of his body.

The collective mental cry of the team was “Just let him go Gavin, it’s not worth it”. Completely lacking in telepathic powers, Gavin allowed his naturally competitive nature to overrun his common sense. He chased player and ball towards the boundary, continuously crossing his legs as he did so. Invariably as the ball ran over the line so, with a great sense of purpose, did Gavin. Within 30 seconds he had assumed his position on the bench with ice pressed hard against his injured hamstring. The “train wreck” was an unavoidable spectacle which the whole team witnessed; an outcome everybody predicted; and a running action nobody could explain.

Youngster Michael “Nureyev” Hill, one of the few players in the team to be able to generate space between his feet and the ground, pirouetted beautifully a couple of times, only to miss the ball and crash heavily to the turf. Ballet may not be his calling.

In what can only be labelled a badly choreographed series of routines, the Hill’s players continued to improvise their own special dance moves.

Dave “Chubby Checker” McGill regularly performs his own version of “Twist and Shout” in the packs and Aleks “Indian Chief” Bojanic appears to be delivering the hand movements to the Village People’s “YMCA” when rucking.

Country boy Mark “Slim Dusty” Jaensch has apparently spent a lot of time “Line Dancing”, which is tragically evident in his running approach to kicking at goals.

David “Gene Kelly” Wuttke is always worth watching for his “Tap Dance Routine”. Once “Gene” is in possession of the ball the feet move very swiftly but generally he manages to stay in about the same spot. Mesmerised by his footwork, opponents often allow him time and space he doesn’t deserve.

Balding but “buff” Scott Molloy is very resolute defender but his sense of balance is sometimes questionable. To see the big man contesting the footy can revive images of former Midnight Oil front man Peter Garrett gyrating on stage.

Kim “Fred Astaire” Pearce knows only one move, the “Rumba Side Step”, which he repeats continually to the right, and the very determined Michael “Latino” Toubia can often be seen performing his interpretation of the Zumba. It is fast and energetic, but he certainly moves to his own special beat.

Winning with just 12 players then begs the question, “How many players can the Hills’ team be without and yet still win?”

Geelong have now won a mere 21 straight games at Skilled Stadium but take even 6 key players out of their line up and see how they perform. Remove Ablett, Bartel, Scarlett, Chapman, Hawkins, and Ling and one would expect their choreographed corridor moves to unravel.

The Hills team cannot dance too much as they will soon be face to face and toe to toe with an East’s team which likes to get up close and personal at the very small Foxfield arena in two weeks time.

HILLS 13 – 9    POORAKA 4 – 4
Best: Jaensch, McGill, Toubia, Wuttke, Pearce, Ryde, M.Hill
Goals: Magee, McGill, Pearce 2, Jaensch, Ryde, Toubia, Wall, Wood, Wylie 1

Match Report by Nick Kossatch - Riverland

HILLS ROLL SUPERDOGS BY 10 MAJORS.

The Riverland Superdogs suffered their second successive loss to undefeated Hills at Berri Oval on Sunday in front of an unhealthy crowd suffering and celebrating the Berri Football Club’s Centenery year.

The Hills Tigers have been undefeated since 2008 and showed all why they are the trendsetters with impeccable footpassing. However the locals never gave up trying and had reliable avenues to goal via Ric ‘Haystack’ Frahn and ex-Berri star Sam ‘Lewy’ Ingerson with three goals each.

Kenny Karpany, a premiership player with Berri along with Ingerson, was simply sensational with a dazzling display of ball handling mastery. Ruckman Nick ‘Kossy’ Kossatch managed to hit Karpany in the middle on a few occasions. One of those was a gem.

Karpany swept on a deft Kossatch tap and his kick spiralled 70 metres, took a Shane Warne type legbreak. Frahn then to toe-poked a major. It was the ‘highlight’ of the game.

Other than the mentioned players, Riverland coach Darren ‘Titty’ Tieste suffered from the 100-year celebrations and consequently felt 100 years old and was blanketted after quarter time on the sidelines. Shane ‘Nice Shoes’ Uren was solid on the ball pouncing on ‘Kossy’s’ taps (well, some of them) and Shane ‘Rowdy’ Healy continued his consistent form.

Anton ‘Wow, He Looks Like Rod Carter’ Coates, probably just shaded his opponent at fullback. The Superdogs take on Rosewater next Sunday in a rare ‘back-to-back’ game at Rosewater Oval.

RIVERLAND
GOALS: R. Frahn; S. Ingerson 3, S. Healy; D. Raeder 1
BEST: K. Karpany, N. Kossatch, S. Uren, R. Frahn, A. Coates, S. Healy

The Ross Wall File - Round 7 vs Riverland

SUPERTIGERS SEE RED

Following the election of Australia’s first female prime minister, Julia “Big Red” Gillard, the Hills’ over 35s footballers began to look at their own political potential.

Initially all discounted their credentials on the gender likeness but a few were reminded that some of their playing styles did lean towards a softer agenda. None could claim Wales as a country of origin and some were reluctant or unable to locate legal birth certificates.

When it came to discussing successful schooling pedigree and educational qualifications, the silence was deafening.

The assumption of a clean police record may also have been misplaced with questions pending over such luminaries as Aleks Bojanic, who having managed pubs and dealt with bikie gangs, may well have had to dispense the odd body to the “bottom of the ocean”.

Distinguished and widely respected accountant Ron Berry offered no guarantee that some of his companies weren’t at the “bottom of the harbour”.

Perennial gambler, Neil Thomson, denied ever dealing from the “bottom of the deck” and Lobethal president Randal Weekes refuted claims his club was scraping the “bottom of the barrel”.

Chris Hill was indignant about allegations that he regularly dredged the bottom of the esky for that last beer and Gary ”Specky” Magee was aghast that anyone would suggest he couldn’t lift his bottom off the ground.

The ageless Dave McGill was once accused of boosting his longevity with performance enhancers from the bottom drawer of his gym office and outstanding amateur pugilist, Michael Toubia, has been forced to fend off allegations of hitting “below the belt”.

Having discounted a political career for the assembled masses it turned out the only thing they could connect with the new “Ranga” PM over was an association with all things chartreuse.

The Hills’ Superulers travelled to Berri to take on a full strength Riverland Redbacks team celebrating the Berri Football club’s 100th anniversary.

On their “red letter day” the Hills’ boys plunged their win – loss record for the season into the red.

The player best placed to associate with Julia’s natural colour was “Ginger nut”, Andrew Frohling, who unfortunately “saw red” within two minutes of the game commencing. Having spent six weeks canvassing support from his player caucus for a chance to play centre half forward, while he recovered from an achilles injury, Andrew was ready to go. He lasted just one kick of the Red Sherrin, reinjured his leg and hobbled forlornly from the field.

Ever obliging premiership coach Richard Kleemann had his chest waxed on Saturday night as part of a Kersbrook fundraiser. As a result he was “red raw” and every chest mark was like a stab from a “red hot poker”.

Mark Jaensch, who now fancies himself as an onfield comedian, ran along the boundary line bouncing the ball without an opponent in sight. His interactions with the pro Riverland crowd, who lined the boundary, were witty but he failed to have the last laugh. Mark was left “red faced” when his ugly attempt at a kick skewed off the side of his boot and sailed out on the full.

Aleks Bojanic, who is loving the challenge of imposing himself on the game, had a “red hot go” in ruck against a particularly aggravating opponent. He thrived on the contest unhindered by technical umpiring interpretations which contradict a man who likes to “sail close to the wind”.

Kim Pearce, who may just be getting better with age, had a field day. He kicked five goals including a classic, where he caught an opponent in the goal square “red handed” with the ball. The resultant smother enabled him to stroll in for an easy goal.

This match saw the return of the Paul “Fluff’ Woods after a lengthy stay at the bequest of the authorities in Singapore. Fresh from his arrival on the “red eye” special, Fluff did what he does best; played wherever he wanted, oblivious to the constraints of traditional football positioning.

The vanquished opposition joined in the theme of the weekend by awarding bottles of red wine to the best players from both sides.

Even the trip home was eventful with Chris Hill wishing for “red light” in Blanchetown. Chris is generally a man who can’t be hurried. Always the last man out of the shower and generally the last one to leave the post match analysis at the bar, Chris found his anxiety levels on the rise in the sleepy river town. Taking his own sweet time to avail himself of more libations from the back of the “Urvan”, Chris shut the hatch but then dawdled around the side only to see Michael Toubia drive off into the sunset without him. An anxious few minutes passed before the car returned with an apologetic driver querying what Chris did in the minute between shutting the boot and not getting into the people mover.

All match reports indicate that the Hills’ boys were “red hot” and in a reasonably physical game, simply overwhelmed their competitive rivals.

Pleasingly there appears no indication of a move to unseat the current leader of the team, coach Dave Piro, who has two strong points in his favour. The first is that he enjoys total support of the people and his colleagues. His popularity rating, and approval rating as preferred coach, has never been higher. The second is that no one else wants the job.

Three week break obviously did not impede the Supertigers who now front the redoubtable Pooraka at Mallala this Sunday.

HILLS 18 – 9 RIVERLAND 8 – 9
Best: Kleemann, Kemp, Weeks, Pearce, Bojanic, Jaensch, Molloy
Goals: Pearce 5, Wylie, Magee, Kleemann 3, Weeks, Reichelt, Seymour, Toubia 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 6 vs Adelaide Lions

25 IN A ROW

The Hills’ Superulers achieved a significant milestone by recording their 25th consecutive victory.

Celebrating 23 years of involvement in this elite competition, the Supertigers overran the Adelaide Lions to stay ahead of the Geelong Cats who won their 24th quarter in a row. This is a Superule’s record which could stand for longer than Jim Styne’s uninterrupted playing feat.

Coach Dave Piro is now charged with maintaining his list to ensure continuing success.

Where will he conjure up new blood?

With Israel Folau snapped up by West Sydney and Karmichael Hunt soon to be a Gold Coaster, what does that leave for the Hills’ boys.

Piro has not been idle in addressing this matter.

Leaked copies of his recruitment book show creative plans to bolster the team for the future.

Controversial TV personality Kyle Sandilands is his number one pick in the hope that he is related to Fremantle’s giant ruckman; Aaron. Lone yacht woman Jessica Watson is also high on the hit list so that at least one player can navigate in a straight line towards goal.

Green’s leader Bob Brown is a logical replacement for Gary Magee because no one is kicking more goals at the moment than him.World Snooker champion Neil Robertson would be a “gun 8 Ball partner” for Kim Pearce as he takes on all comers at national carnivals. Samantha Stosur is a super athlete who would never give up. She might also find Superules appealing because there are currently no Italians playing. Duncan Chessell would be looking for his “Next Everest” and scaling the Superule’s mountain would be a real challenge. His ability to handle the freezing conditions of winter football could be a valuable team asset.

Already confronted by a major crisis with his current forward line Piro must juggle many key performance indicators when making recruitment decisions. His most pressing is the poetic nature of the names which make up the forward line.

Seeking consistency when he reads out the attacking line up he now has Watty, Pearcy, Specky, Snooksie, Hilly but struggles with the final spot held down by Damo.

Name testing of the potential new recruits generated a new look forward line of Kyley, Jessie, Browny, Neilly and Sammy but Chesty just doesn’t fit.

For his own replacement Dave can’t go past the guy who sits in the front row of every Crow’s game. Dave doesn’t have his name but the spectator apparently knows everything coach Neil Craig should be doing and so would be a logical replacement.

However, there is currently no urgency in finding a replacement for the coach or many of the players.

Sunday’s victory was achieved despite a number of the Supertiger stars missing from the line up.

Aleks Bojanic rucked all day without leaving the ground.

Richard Kleemann, performed his Sunday “Jekyll and Hyde” act as he vacillated between driving the hearse and driving the team.

Gary Magee unsettled his team mates with his movements pre match, and his opponent during the game.

Randall Weekes was sensational as a key forward target and Wayne Seymour was dogged around the packs.

Scott Molloy gathered a moving ball on the half volley without changing stride and David “Runt” Wuttke was impassable across half back.

Kim Pearce led “Shane the Librarian” a merry dance and Michael Toubia covered more ground than the Port Adelaide runner.

The reward for victory is a three week break before travelling north for the Riverland game on June 27th. This is a real danger game as the Berri based team will be at full strength and looking to celebrate a significant Riverland anniversary.

Bojanic, head of the team’s marketing arm, has issued a call to arms, “Your team needs you” to all current players.

Rob McGregor has offered his Blanchetown shack as a team stopover for a Saturday night strategy meeting and Dale Wiley announced that next match he will only kick the ball to his team mates.

HILLS 13 – 14     ADELAIDE LIONS 7 – 9

Goals: Magee 4, Weekes, Snooks, Toubia 2, C. Hill, Pearce, Seymour 1

Best: Kleemann, Seymour, Weekes, Magee, Wuttke, Toubia, Bojanic

The Ross Wall File - Round 5 vs South

EDWARDS FOR TIGERS

Goodwin Ruled Out

Reliable sources within the hotel industry have revealed the truth behind the sudden retirement of Crows’ star Tyson Edwards.

He wants to play Superules for the Hills.

“Whistle Blower” Aleks Bojanic confirmed that Simon Goodwin’s early announcement of pending retirement was the catalyst for Edward’s departure.Goodwin had intended to slip into the Hill’s Superule’s team from the rookie list at the end of season 2010, enabling him to be reunited with former Panther team mate, David Threadgold.The prospect of playing in a successful team was a significant carrot but captaincy responsibilities meant he needed to at least stay until the end of the minor round.

Not so for Edwards.
'Go for the ball you idiot!'

Frustrated by trying to “soar like an eagle while being surrounded by turkeys”, Edwards felt no such compulsion. He usurped Goodwin by quitting immediately.

This placed coach Dave Piro in an invidious position.

A normal coach would weigh up the pros and cons, check injury status and interview extensively.

Dave was far more decisive. He just opted for Edwards, leaving Goodwin out in the cold.

Coach Piro explained quite simply that with lingering doubt over the fitness of hard nut, “Chrome Dome” Geraghty, it was no contest.“Goodwin has too much hair and would upset team balance” was his rational justification.

Tragically, despite Piro’s endorsement, Edward’s transition to a better team may not be that straight forward. Michael Hill, son of Chris, currently occupies the rookie spot in the team and unless he can be retained under the father-son rule, his departure may rupture team harmony.

As a result, Edwards has agreed to play one more game for the Crows while the Hill’s hierarchy determines their next move.

This bizarre situation has precipitated an avalanche of interest in the Supertigers.

'Dom plays a game of tunnel ball'

With test cricketer Matthew Elliott waiting in the wings, Taylor Walker has also expressed interest in being given a free pass to roam the forward lines at will. The incentive of returning to Broken Hill to play in front of his home town crowd is proving a massive incentive for the disillusioned 20 year old.

The potential player exodus to the Hill’s team has resulted in a remarkable scenario unfolding. Crow’s coach Neil Craig has been seen doing lunch with new mentor Piro as he searches for the secret in maintaining team harmony amongst a gaggle of highly strung, finely tuned athletes.

Piro has the unenviable role of managing a team consisting of only three players who are happy to play in defence. He juggles six “wanna be” full forwards, onballers who don’t run into the back lines and a prolific ball getter who can’t kick the legal minimal distance.

Dave outlined some of the secrets to his success to Craig.

“Keep it simple. Don’t over train and don’t talk tactics or game plans, they’re not the sharpest tools in the shed. Practice your half time joke before delivering it and make sure there is beer in the esky”.

Unfortunately, the pressure did take its toll on the super coach.

At half time in Sunday’s home match against South, Dave failed to practice what he preached. With all eyes trained on him, including Craig’s, Dave froze. He had nothing.

Thankfully for all concerned Mark Jaensch sprang into action with a national Superule’s carnival anecdote he had been saving for just such an emergency. A vivid description of an encounter between Mark, Kim Pearce, Ross Wall, a curvaceous blonde, a slab of beer and a librarian had the team in stitches.

The joke worked as the Hills’ boys lifted and went on to comprehensively demolish a ragged opponent in wet and slippery conditions.

The commitment was evident as Dave “Runt” Wuttke shed his beanie, Chris Hill scored a miracle goal without having first touched the ball and to the amazement of all involved, Troy “Hungry” Snooks “passed off” to Wayne Seymour when within range of goal.

Gary Magee demonstrated skills rarely witnessed on a football field as he racked up a number of missed attempts at handballing and a record statistic for “Airies”.

Dave McGill aggressively wacked an opponent’s elbow with his face and Damon Wilson reinforced Magee’s assertion that some players should never attempt to handball in the wet.

Randall Weekes took a number of strong marks running with the ball while Richard Kleemann and Simon Kemp dominated around the ground.

Suddenly popular Jaensch found himself on the bench, at the coach’s discretion.

The victory was achieved with a number of key play makers missing. This prompted extensive post match discussion about the number of Country Division teams this Supertiger’s unit could beat, if at full strength.

The longer the discussions went, the longer the list became.

Another test for the Supertigers will be their ability to back up with only a seven day break against the unpredictable Adelaide Lions at the Lion’s Den.

Will that be a club record victory number 25?

A week is a long time in Football, especially if your name is Tyson Edwards.

HILLS 11 – 14    SOUTH 3 - 3
Best: Seymour, Kleemann, Wuttke, Kemp, Weekes, Pearce, Thomson, Jaensch
Goals: Pearce 3, Snooks 2, Weekes, Wilson, Jaensch, Hill, Seymour, Kleemann 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 4 vs West

SLEDGES UNLIMITED

Ross Wall in complete control

Sunday’s Superules games against traditional powerhouse, West, turned into an ugly slanging match as the Supertigers powered to their 23rd consecutive victory.

Competitive but clearly outgunned, the Western Crows enlisted a range of strategies to unsettle the dominate Hills’ dwellers.

The most intriguing was their attempt to get inside the heads of their opponents, hoping to derail their singular victory focus, with sledging.

It was almost as though their final training before the big game was spent learning the lines they hoped could swing the match their way.

One of Kim Pearce’s opponents stirred the pot by asking,

“How’s your wife and my kids?”

Lightning fast Kim responded with,

“My wife’s fine but the kids are retarded”.

Specky Handpassing?

Gary Magee’s opponent nudged him a few times and said with intent,

“I’ve been waiting two years to humiliate you again”.

Gary looked his stout opponent up and down and observed,

“It looks like you spent them eating”.

At one stage Troy Snooks was observed performing a hand stand in the goal square. When asked why, “Snooksie” replied his opponent had said,

“You will never be a full forward as long as your arse points to the ground”.

Not only did he perform an acrobatic rebuttal but went on to kick a lazy 6 goals.

David Threadgold’s dashing display attracted a round of sledging including,

“Just because your dog gets excited to see you each day doesn’t mean you’re cute”.

Many of David’s passes were just that but his three goals and eight behinds left him open to lines like,

“Why don’t you kick a few more behinds?”

“I can’t, I’m too busy kicking yours”, was the reply.

The West players not only sledged their opponents but also themselves.

When the ball rolled through one of their defender’s legs it was picked up by Dave McGill and snapped accurately for a goal.The defender apologised to his nearby team mates saying, “I should have kept my legs together”, which prompted one of his frustrated colleagues to reply,“I wish your mother had kept hers closed”.

One of the West players was given the nickname conferred upon Chris McDermott by the Victorian commentators when he played for the Crows. When asked why this fellow was called the “Lochness Monster”, his team mate explained that he apparently was quite a legend but unfortunately was rarely sighted.

The “Chrome Dome” syndrome unraveled the Western Crows as Threadgold, Wayne Seymour and Rob McGregor ran amok. Complaining that they were being blinded by the sun reflecting off the heads of the Supertigers, Seymour calmly explained it wasn’t the sun blinding them but the brilliance.

Gavin Reicheldt was exceptional across half back until a calf twinge caused him to exit early from the game. Randal Weekes dominated across half forward but was also seen spending a lot of time with an ice pack after the game.

Michael Toubia was awesome with the way he ran the ball out of defence and David “Runt” Wuttke racked up many possessions.

The “Leg of the Day” trophy was hotly disputed this week. Chris Hill received a nomination for his set shot which failed to make the distance from 20 metres out but the winner was “Runt”.

Gathering the ball at half forward, his aim was to pass to a fellow Tiger about 20 metres away. Lacking momentum, and confronted by an opponent closing fast, he let rip a stabbing pass. Unfortunately contact was not clean and his opponent, now four metres away braced for the smother; an unnatural act in Superules. Tragically the kick only travelled one metre. Expecting pain from the impact of smothering, the West player had stopped in his tracks. Embarrassed by his kick, “Runt” began waving arms like he had handballed it hoping this would be a more acceptable reason for the distance. The ball lay on the turf for seconds like a like an unwanted beer at the end of a heavy buck’s night.

As the game began to slip from their grasp, a few of the West players went to plan B which was to ruffle a few feathers with some slightly unorthodox physicality.

This ploy also failed and gradually the Supertigers got on top of the sledging war as well.

As one of the West players left the ground, banished for a lack of discretion, a Hills’ player asked,

“Can I borrow your brain, I’m building an idiot?”

Aleks Bojanic’s critique of one of his rucking opponents was rather damning.

“He has everything except speed, skill, stamina and coordination. However, he is tall, so as a footballer he makes a terrific contour map reference”.

It was a game high on skill, punctuated by courageous acts from both sides and accentuated by individual brilliance.

Sean Watt had an impact despite not actually taking the field. Carrying a hamstring injury caused by an uncharacteristic action which many of the Hills’ players avoid, training, he added to the sledging.At half time he asked one of the West players what was “Red, bounced and had the initials TWS on it”.When his target seemed nonplussed by the question Sean said,

”It’s the football, why don’t you try to get hold of it?”

Many of the Hills and West players have frequented the national Superules’ carnival for years and thus enjoyed each others’ company post match.

The next match is on May 30th at Lobethal when the all conquering Supertigers take on South at 12.30pm.

HILLS 16 – 13 WEST 6 – 2

Best: Threadgold, Seymour, Reicheldt, Wuttke, Kleemann, Snooks, Tombia
Goals: Snooks 6, Threadgold 3, Ryde, Magee 2, Weekes, Seymour, McGill 1