The Ross Wall File - Round 13 vs Gawler

HILLS BEST AGAIN IN SUPERULES

For the fourth consecutive season, The Hills’ over 35s have claimed the unofficial premiership title. Losing only one game, they unofficially accumulated more premiership points than any other team; as a result the Supertigers have once again proved themselves to be the benchmark team in the competition.

Drawn to take on the formidable Gawler group in the final match of the season, the Hills’ team produced a dominant display, exorcising the ghosts of last round’s shock loss to Rosewater.

The victory was characterised by many heroic acts including Wayne Seymour fearlessly launching his “Chrome Dome” at the ball, Dave McGill’s impossible checkside goal, Neil Thomson’s Maradonna like major and Ron Berry parading in his super tight Warwick Capper style shorts.

It also happened to be played in the middle of the Pooraka Football Club’s premiership celebrations. This ensured a constant stream of noise, tuneless singing and the spectacle of the occasional streaker.

Typically, the last hoorah of the season brings the question of “Who will be back next year?

To help solve this dilemma, we must study what each player will do over the summer break.

The suicidal endeavours of Wayne “Exocet Missile” Seymour will be satisfied by his apprenticeship as a “Human Cannonball” at country shows.

Scott Molloy has offered to fire the canon.

Ron Berry will endeavour to squeeze into other 80s fashion outfits.

Burly full forward, Gary Magee displayed a hunger for the ball that made Barry Hall look like a wide receiver. He will no doubt find himself a good paddock to satisfy another hunger during the break.

Aleks Bojanic copped a severe “wedgy” from his opponent in a ruck contest and will search for his “undies” during summer.

Buff little “Body Workshop” manager Dave McGill again displayed his agility, flexibility and athleticism as he worked hard, beating opponents with his core strength and superior “Step Moves”.

The “Gym Junkie” will continue to feed his workout obsession, surrounded by scantily clad females, in the off season.

Sean Watt, who again managed to unsettle an opponent with his lack of Superule’s diplomacy, was a constant threat to peace in the forward region.

“Watty” will pursue his goal of being the next Foreign Affairs Minister.

Chris Hill’s son Michael rebounded well from defence and will work towards moving up the field so he can actually be the only one in the team to pass to his dad at full forward.

Father and son will build their “Hill Cricket Dynasty” over the warmer months to come.

Michael Toubia, in his debutant year, covered massive amounts of ground during each match. He also maintained an arduous boxing workout regime, played with great fearlessness and took on all comers regardless of size. Michael will now look for other insurmountable challenges in the off season.

His plan to trek the Kokoda Trail on his way to visiting the Dali Lama to convert him to Islam is typical of a man who believes that nothing is impossible.

Evergreen Kim Pearce dished out passes like a gate attendant at AAMI when the Crows are losing. In the off season he will endeavour to drink his weight in beer each week; hence status quo.

Randall “Ranga” Weeks displayed exceptional prime ministerial qualities in each match he played during a spectacular debut season. He lacked the “Strine” twang in his accent but was able to backflip readily and change direction and priorities quickly. He won over all his constituents and his presidential style leadership ensured “his team” won in its own right .

Rick Bennett dominated play and mesmerized the Gawler Saints with his raking left foot missiles which he launched with deadly accuracy.

During the break Rick will simply be raking leaves at home.

Dave “Runt” Wuttke rebounded in his normal unfashionable but highly effective manner. Over summer “Runt” will work on eliminating his conspicuous hat hair line caused by an obsessive attachment to a Sturt beanie.

Paul “Fluff” Woods battled manfully against bigger opponents as a back up ruckman. Always the optimist, “Fluff” would always place his team mates in the right place for the unlikely event that he actually got hand to ball.

He will undertake an intense Plyometrics course to recover the spring he believes he once possessed.

Graham “Friar” Tuck, the most functional and reliable member of the team, performed his goal umpiring duties with aplomb. It is hoped that he can manufacture a spare set of flags over summer and develop a water proof cover for his score card.

Coach Dave Piro met his key performance indicators with a series of passable jokes in the last few games.

Some believed it was too little too late, but with the promise of a new gag book, Piro intends to honour his contract for 2011.

Other players who will have challenging summers include Damien Dolman and Tommy Hancock who will require knee surgery; Chris Geraghty who is recovering from a shoulder reconstruction, Andrew Frohling battling a debilitating Achilles ailment and Dick Kleemann who must overcome another premiership hangover.

HILLS 12 – 14    GAWLER 6 – 7
Best: Seymour, Weeks, Bennett, Magee, Wuttke, McGill, Mayes
Goals: Magee 5, Watt 2, Bennett, McGill, Seymour, Thomson, Weekes 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 12 vs Rosewater

The Ross Wall File - Round 11 vs PHOS Phantoms

  

The Ross Wall File - Round 10 vs Mid North

NATURE VERSUS NUTURE...WHAT MAKES A DEFENDER TICK?

Are defenders born or are they made?

What type of person makes a good defender in football?

Is it a personality trait, an occupational offshoot or a values driven outcome?

On the nature side, a study of Hills’ Superules defenders personality styles revealed generally introverted characters with perfectionist traits.

This reaffirms the study commissioned by David Parkin when he coached Hawthorn that defenders are a special breed. No Jason Akermanis’ amongst this lot. The only handstand on Sunday was delivered by Randall Weekes, a non defender, which distracted Dick Kleemann’s focus when he was lining up for what should have been his third goal.

The Hills’ defenders are typically driven by the fear of making a mistake which can result directly in an opposition goal. Hence the low risk, careful approach to their football. They also prefer their own tight knit little group of fellow defenders to the broader gaggle of players from other parts of the field.

Defenders distrust forwards.

They shun limelight but will accept genuine praise when delivered sincerely. Defenders observe with distain how forwards will wallow in any types of gratuitous praise regardless of whether it is deserved or not. Some interpret this as jealousy based on forwards being about to lairise knowing that an early leap, an act of selfishness or just a careless kick can be forgiven without critical outcomes.

An assessment of vocations did group them into jobs that require specific, prescribed roles prioritising accuracy and order.

Rob McGregor’s vital calling as a “Beer Plumber” demands total accuracy and “keeping the bubbles in line”, while former “Correctional Services Officers” Scott Molloy and Dale Wiley were responsible for keeping the inmates “towing the line”.

Accountants Ron Berry and Andrew Frohling love to keep the “numbers in line” and used car salesman Chris Geraghty has to keep his “vehicles in line”.

The key question relating to the vocation study is how much their personalities drove them to their respective callings and how much their jobs influenced what they became.

Defenders are a special breed, marked by a clearly defined philosophy. They believe their roles are comprehensively prescribed with little room for negotiation or variation. Defenders will sledge onballers mercilessly for not getting back to help them but are generally loathed to leave their natural habitat. Rob “Max” McGregor, when offered a position in a winning forward line, politely thanked the coach and then returned to the last line of defence.

There is always an exception to the rule.

Dave “Runt” Wuttke, who is frighteningly gregarious, unstructured in his employment and in his younger days was naturally drawn to the dashing nature of the midfield, explained his role with more clarity. “I just go to the three loose opponents and hope for a miskick”.

The defenders certainly did their jobs on Sunday, restricting the Mid North forwards to just two goals but then sat back and again watched the goal kicking heroes at the other end of the ground bask in glory.

The defenders’ state of mind was not helped when they tried to explain to their more celebrated colleagues about their roles. Talk of spoils, smothers, close checking, desperate lunges and disciplined plays left their fellow Supertigers glazing over and disinterested. Some players really struggled with the concept of what actually happens down back, let alone why anyone would want to play there.

The non-believers treat defence like their motor car. They know they need it but if it doesn’t function have no real idea of what made it work in the first place and certainly couldn’t fix it themselves.

Once again this week, the glory went to the others.

Onballer David Threadgold was superb in close as was fellow “Chrome Dome” Wayne Seymour. Kleemann and Weekes combined grit and class and Rick Bennett had more “pictures on his arms” than anyone else in the team. Newcomer Matthew Mayes, who looks like a youthful Kane Cornes “ran himself ragged”, filling in for the opposition, and Dave McGill and Kim Pearce found more than their share of the ball.

It was another great win that left the boys from Clare in awe of this Superules juggernaut.

The Hills’ boys play their last home match for the year at Lobethal in two weeks time and expect the normal “bumper crowd” and regular level of interest as they strive for their 30th consecutive victory.

HILLS 21 – 7      MID NORTH 2 – 7
Best: Threadgold, Seymour, Kleemann, Mayes, Weekes, Bennett, Wall
Goals: Wall 5, Magee 4, Kleemann , Threadgold , Bojanic, McGill 2, Thomson, Bennett, Hill, Pearce 1

Nothing Funny Here…Supertigers Breaking All Known Records!

In the absence of regular Hill’s Supertiger’s news breaker Ross Wall, who is holidaying and celebrating a birthday in Vietnam, this week’s match report does not contain references or views on politics, employment, historical events or things of a ‘non politically correct’ nature. It is purely about football, maybe not quite as entertaining but a tribute to all that is the Hill’s Supertigers.

Again without playmakers Richard Kleemann and Simon Kemp together with the absence of 13 other strong contributors, the all conquering Hill’s team were able to slog out a hard fought 16 point win at the parklike home ground of the ultra competitive East Demons on Sunday.

Welcoming back former South Adelaide league player David Threadgold after a period of absence, the Tigers enjoyed great drive from stoppages with Threadgold, who collected match high statistics and ruckman Aleks Bojanic, coming into the game with bruised ribs and a knee only held together with Elastoplast, combining on numerous occasions to give the mobile forward line opportunities on the tight foothill’s ground.

With very narrow pockets, much like the Supertiger’s match payments, the Athelstone Oval proved to be difficult to navigate for stalwart defender David Wuttke. Running back with the flight of the ball Wuttke collided mid air with back pocket Michael Hill who also only had eyes for the ball. Crashing heavily to the ground, both were left shaking their heads, reminiscent of a scene from a Scooby Doo cartoon.

The hard working, straight running defensive skills of bustling fullback Scott Molloy caused great concern to the opposition with few prepared to stand in his way. Molloy, together with Damian Dolman and Hill were able to repel early attacks from the motivated team from the Eastern Suburbs giving the Tigers a slender lead at the long break.

Numerous options in the Hill’s forward line seemed to confuse the East defence with Kersbrook identity Kim Pearce and goal sneak Troy Snooks often finding themselves in the clear with open passage to goal. Foreman Legal 2010 Leading Goalkicker Gary Magee led and marked strongly all day whilst nursing a sore shoulder from the previous match. Magee finished the day with 3 goals taking him to 24 for the season well in front of the pack in the much sought after award.

With a long list of unavailables due to injury, school holidays and a distinct lack of motivation, the Hill’s Supertigers’ power brokers were able to negotiate terms with 3 new players. Rick Bennett (ex Mt Lofty and current Macclesfield Junior Colts Coach), Greg Herbert and Matthew Mayes (both ex Adelaide University in the SA Amateur League) all made strong claims for future selection. Bennett rebounded strongly from centre half back whilst Mayes showed speed and guile around the packs. Herbert was gratefully welcomed to the fold by well worn ruckmen Bojanic as further back up.

Ultimately it was the hard running, skilful aspect of the Hill’s team game that brought about its 28th consecutive win. Mark Jaensch and David McGill ran out the game strongly leaving opposition in their wake. Neil Thomson, Damian Ryde and Michael Toubia were all resolute in providing frontal defensive pressure while Chris Hill & Paul Wood provided targets in the forward line continually bringing the running players into the game.

With 4 games remaining in the 2010 season the Hills Supertigers are looking forward to the challenges ahead with the next match on Sunday August 1 at Blackwood FC against the travelling Mid North Clare team.

With only one question left…Will the mighty Hill’s Supertigers go unbeaten for the 2nd year in a row?

Hills 11 – 5 East 8 - 7
Best: Threadgold, Snooks, Pearce, Bojanic, Bennett, McGill, Magee
Goalkickers: Magee 3, Pearce, Threadgold, McGill 2, Toubia, Snooks 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 8 vs Pooraka

DANCI NG WITH TIGERS

Some people shouldn’t dance and most of the Hills’ over 35s players certainly fit that category.

The Hills’ Supertigers ran into massive injury trouble on the weekend as many of the players performed their own interpretations of popular dance moves. Despite this they were still able to nail their 27th straight victory against Pooraka at Mallala.

Struggling with their second road trip in seven days the Hills’ boys were missing 11 first pick players including the club champions from the past two years. Kleemann, Kemp, Geraghty, Watt, Damo, Tommy, Weekes, Threadgold, Frohling, McGregor, Thomson were all missing forcing the Superigers to face the populus Pooraka with just 15 players.

It brought back memories of the match at Mt Lofty in 1998 when only 13 black and gold warriors beat 24 Pooraka Pies by ten goals.

Again Pooraka arrived with 24 and did all the attacking for the first five minutes. During this time Gary “Twinkle Toes Flinstone” Magee did his shoulder in a marking contest and Dale “Dancing Queen” Wylie tore his groin muscle. Gary’s injury came after a tangle of arms in a chest to chest “barge fest” turned into a slow and very deliberate “Tango”. It ended when Gary was spun away from his partner and collapsed in pain.

Dale’s injury was quite spectacular as Chris Hill attempted to hand ball to Dale, alone in the goal square. Unfortunately, Chris rarely performs this feat and so the pass was quite high and wide of the mark.

To gain the maximum result, Dale had to extend his leg up near his ear to clip the ball on its way through the goals and register the team’s first major. The “Can Can” performance was spectacularly executed with boot contacting ball just before the goal line. Tragically, the routine was as difficult as it looked and unthinkable damage was inflicted on the groin area. Close to tears due to the pain, Dale did manage to share with his team mates, as they slapped him on the back, that he regularly performs this type of manoeuvre in the bedroom. He and Gary then shared ice packs for the rest of the match.

The most frustrating of injuries, which saw the Hills’ team reduced to just 12 players, was that of Gavin Reichelt’s. Plagued by lower leg injuries, Gavin set off after his opponent as the ball ran wide towards the boundary line. Interestingly Gavin runs with a slightly unnatural gait, reminiscent of someone performing “The Grapevine”. His legs cross, his body sways sideways and his waving arms are completely out of time with the rest of his body.

The collective mental cry of the team was “Just let him go Gavin, it’s not worth it”. Completely lacking in telepathic powers, Gavin allowed his naturally competitive nature to overrun his common sense. He chased player and ball towards the boundary, continuously crossing his legs as he did so. Invariably as the ball ran over the line so, with a great sense of purpose, did Gavin. Within 30 seconds he had assumed his position on the bench with ice pressed hard against his injured hamstring. The “train wreck” was an unavoidable spectacle which the whole team witnessed; an outcome everybody predicted; and a running action nobody could explain.

Youngster Michael “Nureyev” Hill, one of the few players in the team to be able to generate space between his feet and the ground, pirouetted beautifully a couple of times, only to miss the ball and crash heavily to the turf. Ballet may not be his calling.

In what can only be labelled a badly choreographed series of routines, the Hill’s players continued to improvise their own special dance moves.

Dave “Chubby Checker” McGill regularly performs his own version of “Twist and Shout” in the packs and Aleks “Indian Chief” Bojanic appears to be delivering the hand movements to the Village People’s “YMCA” when rucking.

Country boy Mark “Slim Dusty” Jaensch has apparently spent a lot of time “Line Dancing”, which is tragically evident in his running approach to kicking at goals.

David “Gene Kelly” Wuttke is always worth watching for his “Tap Dance Routine”. Once “Gene” is in possession of the ball the feet move very swiftly but generally he manages to stay in about the same spot. Mesmerised by his footwork, opponents often allow him time and space he doesn’t deserve.

Balding but “buff” Scott Molloy is very resolute defender but his sense of balance is sometimes questionable. To see the big man contesting the footy can revive images of former Midnight Oil front man Peter Garrett gyrating on stage.

Kim “Fred Astaire” Pearce knows only one move, the “Rumba Side Step”, which he repeats continually to the right, and the very determined Michael “Latino” Toubia can often be seen performing his interpretation of the Zumba. It is fast and energetic, but he certainly moves to his own special beat.

Winning with just 12 players then begs the question, “How many players can the Hills’ team be without and yet still win?”

Geelong have now won a mere 21 straight games at Skilled Stadium but take even 6 key players out of their line up and see how they perform. Remove Ablett, Bartel, Scarlett, Chapman, Hawkins, and Ling and one would expect their choreographed corridor moves to unravel.

The Hills team cannot dance too much as they will soon be face to face and toe to toe with an East’s team which likes to get up close and personal at the very small Foxfield arena in two weeks time.

HILLS 13 – 9    POORAKA 4 – 4
Best: Jaensch, McGill, Toubia, Wuttke, Pearce, Ryde, M.Hill
Goals: Magee, McGill, Pearce 2, Jaensch, Ryde, Toubia, Wall, Wood, Wylie 1

Match Report by Nick Kossatch - Riverland

HILLS ROLL SUPERDOGS BY 10 MAJORS.

The Riverland Superdogs suffered their second successive loss to undefeated Hills at Berri Oval on Sunday in front of an unhealthy crowd suffering and celebrating the Berri Football Club’s Centenery year.

The Hills Tigers have been undefeated since 2008 and showed all why they are the trendsetters with impeccable footpassing. However the locals never gave up trying and had reliable avenues to goal via Ric ‘Haystack’ Frahn and ex-Berri star Sam ‘Lewy’ Ingerson with three goals each.

Kenny Karpany, a premiership player with Berri along with Ingerson, was simply sensational with a dazzling display of ball handling mastery. Ruckman Nick ‘Kossy’ Kossatch managed to hit Karpany in the middle on a few occasions. One of those was a gem.

Karpany swept on a deft Kossatch tap and his kick spiralled 70 metres, took a Shane Warne type legbreak. Frahn then to toe-poked a major. It was the ‘highlight’ of the game.

Other than the mentioned players, Riverland coach Darren ‘Titty’ Tieste suffered from the 100-year celebrations and consequently felt 100 years old and was blanketted after quarter time on the sidelines. Shane ‘Nice Shoes’ Uren was solid on the ball pouncing on ‘Kossy’s’ taps (well, some of them) and Shane ‘Rowdy’ Healy continued his consistent form.

Anton ‘Wow, He Looks Like Rod Carter’ Coates, probably just shaded his opponent at fullback. The Superdogs take on Rosewater next Sunday in a rare ‘back-to-back’ game at Rosewater Oval.

RIVERLAND
GOALS: R. Frahn; S. Ingerson 3, S. Healy; D. Raeder 1
BEST: K. Karpany, N. Kossatch, S. Uren, R. Frahn, A. Coates, S. Healy

The Ross Wall File - Round 7 vs Riverland

SUPERTIGERS SEE RED

Following the election of Australia’s first female prime minister, Julia “Big Red” Gillard, the Hills’ over 35s footballers began to look at their own political potential.

Initially all discounted their credentials on the gender likeness but a few were reminded that some of their playing styles did lean towards a softer agenda. None could claim Wales as a country of origin and some were reluctant or unable to locate legal birth certificates.

When it came to discussing successful schooling pedigree and educational qualifications, the silence was deafening.

The assumption of a clean police record may also have been misplaced with questions pending over such luminaries as Aleks Bojanic, who having managed pubs and dealt with bikie gangs, may well have had to dispense the odd body to the “bottom of the ocean”.

Distinguished and widely respected accountant Ron Berry offered no guarantee that some of his companies weren’t at the “bottom of the harbour”.

Perennial gambler, Neil Thomson, denied ever dealing from the “bottom of the deck” and Lobethal president Randal Weekes refuted claims his club was scraping the “bottom of the barrel”.

Chris Hill was indignant about allegations that he regularly dredged the bottom of the esky for that last beer and Gary ”Specky” Magee was aghast that anyone would suggest he couldn’t lift his bottom off the ground.

The ageless Dave McGill was once accused of boosting his longevity with performance enhancers from the bottom drawer of his gym office and outstanding amateur pugilist, Michael Toubia, has been forced to fend off allegations of hitting “below the belt”.

Having discounted a political career for the assembled masses it turned out the only thing they could connect with the new “Ranga” PM over was an association with all things chartreuse.

The Hills’ Superulers travelled to Berri to take on a full strength Riverland Redbacks team celebrating the Berri Football club’s 100th anniversary.

On their “red letter day” the Hills’ boys plunged their win – loss record for the season into the red.

The player best placed to associate with Julia’s natural colour was “Ginger nut”, Andrew Frohling, who unfortunately “saw red” within two minutes of the game commencing. Having spent six weeks canvassing support from his player caucus for a chance to play centre half forward, while he recovered from an achilles injury, Andrew was ready to go. He lasted just one kick of the Red Sherrin, reinjured his leg and hobbled forlornly from the field.

Ever obliging premiership coach Richard Kleemann had his chest waxed on Saturday night as part of a Kersbrook fundraiser. As a result he was “red raw” and every chest mark was like a stab from a “red hot poker”.

Mark Jaensch, who now fancies himself as an onfield comedian, ran along the boundary line bouncing the ball without an opponent in sight. His interactions with the pro Riverland crowd, who lined the boundary, were witty but he failed to have the last laugh. Mark was left “red faced” when his ugly attempt at a kick skewed off the side of his boot and sailed out on the full.

Aleks Bojanic, who is loving the challenge of imposing himself on the game, had a “red hot go” in ruck against a particularly aggravating opponent. He thrived on the contest unhindered by technical umpiring interpretations which contradict a man who likes to “sail close to the wind”.

Kim Pearce, who may just be getting better with age, had a field day. He kicked five goals including a classic, where he caught an opponent in the goal square “red handed” with the ball. The resultant smother enabled him to stroll in for an easy goal.

This match saw the return of the Paul “Fluff’ Woods after a lengthy stay at the bequest of the authorities in Singapore. Fresh from his arrival on the “red eye” special, Fluff did what he does best; played wherever he wanted, oblivious to the constraints of traditional football positioning.

The vanquished opposition joined in the theme of the weekend by awarding bottles of red wine to the best players from both sides.

Even the trip home was eventful with Chris Hill wishing for “red light” in Blanchetown. Chris is generally a man who can’t be hurried. Always the last man out of the shower and generally the last one to leave the post match analysis at the bar, Chris found his anxiety levels on the rise in the sleepy river town. Taking his own sweet time to avail himself of more libations from the back of the “Urvan”, Chris shut the hatch but then dawdled around the side only to see Michael Toubia drive off into the sunset without him. An anxious few minutes passed before the car returned with an apologetic driver querying what Chris did in the minute between shutting the boot and not getting into the people mover.

All match reports indicate that the Hills’ boys were “red hot” and in a reasonably physical game, simply overwhelmed their competitive rivals.

Pleasingly there appears no indication of a move to unseat the current leader of the team, coach Dave Piro, who has two strong points in his favour. The first is that he enjoys total support of the people and his colleagues. His popularity rating, and approval rating as preferred coach, has never been higher. The second is that no one else wants the job.

Three week break obviously did not impede the Supertigers who now front the redoubtable Pooraka at Mallala this Sunday.

HILLS 18 – 9 RIVERLAND 8 – 9
Best: Kleemann, Kemp, Weeks, Pearce, Bojanic, Jaensch, Molloy
Goals: Pearce 5, Wylie, Magee, Kleemann 3, Weeks, Reichelt, Seymour, Toubia 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 6 vs Adelaide Lions

25 IN A ROW

The Hills’ Superulers achieved a significant milestone by recording their 25th consecutive victory.

Celebrating 23 years of involvement in this elite competition, the Supertigers overran the Adelaide Lions to stay ahead of the Geelong Cats who won their 24th quarter in a row. This is a Superule’s record which could stand for longer than Jim Styne’s uninterrupted playing feat.

Coach Dave Piro is now charged with maintaining his list to ensure continuing success.

Where will he conjure up new blood?

With Israel Folau snapped up by West Sydney and Karmichael Hunt soon to be a Gold Coaster, what does that leave for the Hills’ boys.

Piro has not been idle in addressing this matter.

Leaked copies of his recruitment book show creative plans to bolster the team for the future.

Controversial TV personality Kyle Sandilands is his number one pick in the hope that he is related to Fremantle’s giant ruckman; Aaron. Lone yacht woman Jessica Watson is also high on the hit list so that at least one player can navigate in a straight line towards goal.

Green’s leader Bob Brown is a logical replacement for Gary Magee because no one is kicking more goals at the moment than him.World Snooker champion Neil Robertson would be a “gun 8 Ball partner” for Kim Pearce as he takes on all comers at national carnivals. Samantha Stosur is a super athlete who would never give up. She might also find Superules appealing because there are currently no Italians playing. Duncan Chessell would be looking for his “Next Everest” and scaling the Superule’s mountain would be a real challenge. His ability to handle the freezing conditions of winter football could be a valuable team asset.

Already confronted by a major crisis with his current forward line Piro must juggle many key performance indicators when making recruitment decisions. His most pressing is the poetic nature of the names which make up the forward line.

Seeking consistency when he reads out the attacking line up he now has Watty, Pearcy, Specky, Snooksie, Hilly but struggles with the final spot held down by Damo.

Name testing of the potential new recruits generated a new look forward line of Kyley, Jessie, Browny, Neilly and Sammy but Chesty just doesn’t fit.

For his own replacement Dave can’t go past the guy who sits in the front row of every Crow’s game. Dave doesn’t have his name but the spectator apparently knows everything coach Neil Craig should be doing and so would be a logical replacement.

However, there is currently no urgency in finding a replacement for the coach or many of the players.

Sunday’s victory was achieved despite a number of the Supertiger stars missing from the line up.

Aleks Bojanic rucked all day without leaving the ground.

Richard Kleemann, performed his Sunday “Jekyll and Hyde” act as he vacillated between driving the hearse and driving the team.

Gary Magee unsettled his team mates with his movements pre match, and his opponent during the game.

Randall Weekes was sensational as a key forward target and Wayne Seymour was dogged around the packs.

Scott Molloy gathered a moving ball on the half volley without changing stride and David “Runt” Wuttke was impassable across half back.

Kim Pearce led “Shane the Librarian” a merry dance and Michael Toubia covered more ground than the Port Adelaide runner.

The reward for victory is a three week break before travelling north for the Riverland game on June 27th. This is a real danger game as the Berri based team will be at full strength and looking to celebrate a significant Riverland anniversary.

Bojanic, head of the team’s marketing arm, has issued a call to arms, “Your team needs you” to all current players.

Rob McGregor has offered his Blanchetown shack as a team stopover for a Saturday night strategy meeting and Dale Wiley announced that next match he will only kick the ball to his team mates.

HILLS 13 – 14     ADELAIDE LIONS 7 – 9

Goals: Magee 4, Weekes, Snooks, Toubia 2, C. Hill, Pearce, Seymour 1

Best: Kleemann, Seymour, Weekes, Magee, Wuttke, Toubia, Bojanic

The Ross Wall File - Round 5 vs South

EDWARDS FOR TIGERS

Goodwin Ruled Out

Reliable sources within the hotel industry have revealed the truth behind the sudden retirement of Crows’ star Tyson Edwards.

He wants to play Superules for the Hills.

“Whistle Blower” Aleks Bojanic confirmed that Simon Goodwin’s early announcement of pending retirement was the catalyst for Edward’s departure.Goodwin had intended to slip into the Hill’s Superule’s team from the rookie list at the end of season 2010, enabling him to be reunited with former Panther team mate, David Threadgold.The prospect of playing in a successful team was a significant carrot but captaincy responsibilities meant he needed to at least stay until the end of the minor round.

Not so for Edwards.
'Go for the ball you idiot!'

Frustrated by trying to “soar like an eagle while being surrounded by turkeys”, Edwards felt no such compulsion. He usurped Goodwin by quitting immediately.

This placed coach Dave Piro in an invidious position.

A normal coach would weigh up the pros and cons, check injury status and interview extensively.

Dave was far more decisive. He just opted for Edwards, leaving Goodwin out in the cold.

Coach Piro explained quite simply that with lingering doubt over the fitness of hard nut, “Chrome Dome” Geraghty, it was no contest.“Goodwin has too much hair and would upset team balance” was his rational justification.

Tragically, despite Piro’s endorsement, Edward’s transition to a better team may not be that straight forward. Michael Hill, son of Chris, currently occupies the rookie spot in the team and unless he can be retained under the father-son rule, his departure may rupture team harmony.

As a result, Edwards has agreed to play one more game for the Crows while the Hill’s hierarchy determines their next move.

This bizarre situation has precipitated an avalanche of interest in the Supertigers.

'Dom plays a game of tunnel ball'

With test cricketer Matthew Elliott waiting in the wings, Taylor Walker has also expressed interest in being given a free pass to roam the forward lines at will. The incentive of returning to Broken Hill to play in front of his home town crowd is proving a massive incentive for the disillusioned 20 year old.

The potential player exodus to the Hill’s team has resulted in a remarkable scenario unfolding. Crow’s coach Neil Craig has been seen doing lunch with new mentor Piro as he searches for the secret in maintaining team harmony amongst a gaggle of highly strung, finely tuned athletes.

Piro has the unenviable role of managing a team consisting of only three players who are happy to play in defence. He juggles six “wanna be” full forwards, onballers who don’t run into the back lines and a prolific ball getter who can’t kick the legal minimal distance.

Dave outlined some of the secrets to his success to Craig.

“Keep it simple. Don’t over train and don’t talk tactics or game plans, they’re not the sharpest tools in the shed. Practice your half time joke before delivering it and make sure there is beer in the esky”.

Unfortunately, the pressure did take its toll on the super coach.

At half time in Sunday’s home match against South, Dave failed to practice what he preached. With all eyes trained on him, including Craig’s, Dave froze. He had nothing.

Thankfully for all concerned Mark Jaensch sprang into action with a national Superule’s carnival anecdote he had been saving for just such an emergency. A vivid description of an encounter between Mark, Kim Pearce, Ross Wall, a curvaceous blonde, a slab of beer and a librarian had the team in stitches.

The joke worked as the Hills’ boys lifted and went on to comprehensively demolish a ragged opponent in wet and slippery conditions.

The commitment was evident as Dave “Runt” Wuttke shed his beanie, Chris Hill scored a miracle goal without having first touched the ball and to the amazement of all involved, Troy “Hungry” Snooks “passed off” to Wayne Seymour when within range of goal.

Gary Magee demonstrated skills rarely witnessed on a football field as he racked up a number of missed attempts at handballing and a record statistic for “Airies”.

Dave McGill aggressively wacked an opponent’s elbow with his face and Damon Wilson reinforced Magee’s assertion that some players should never attempt to handball in the wet.

Randall Weekes took a number of strong marks running with the ball while Richard Kleemann and Simon Kemp dominated around the ground.

Suddenly popular Jaensch found himself on the bench, at the coach’s discretion.

The victory was achieved with a number of key play makers missing. This prompted extensive post match discussion about the number of Country Division teams this Supertiger’s unit could beat, if at full strength.

The longer the discussions went, the longer the list became.

Another test for the Supertigers will be their ability to back up with only a seven day break against the unpredictable Adelaide Lions at the Lion’s Den.

Will that be a club record victory number 25?

A week is a long time in Football, especially if your name is Tyson Edwards.

HILLS 11 – 14    SOUTH 3 - 3
Best: Seymour, Kleemann, Wuttke, Kemp, Weekes, Pearce, Thomson, Jaensch
Goals: Pearce 3, Snooks 2, Weekes, Wilson, Jaensch, Hill, Seymour, Kleemann 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 4 vs West

SLEDGES UNLIMITED

Ross Wall in complete control

Sunday’s Superules games against traditional powerhouse, West, turned into an ugly slanging match as the Supertigers powered to their 23rd consecutive victory.

Competitive but clearly outgunned, the Western Crows enlisted a range of strategies to unsettle the dominate Hills’ dwellers.

The most intriguing was their attempt to get inside the heads of their opponents, hoping to derail their singular victory focus, with sledging.

It was almost as though their final training before the big game was spent learning the lines they hoped could swing the match their way.

One of Kim Pearce’s opponents stirred the pot by asking,

“How’s your wife and my kids?”

Lightning fast Kim responded with,

“My wife’s fine but the kids are retarded”.

Specky Handpassing?

Gary Magee’s opponent nudged him a few times and said with intent,

“I’ve been waiting two years to humiliate you again”.

Gary looked his stout opponent up and down and observed,

“It looks like you spent them eating”.

At one stage Troy Snooks was observed performing a hand stand in the goal square. When asked why, “Snooksie” replied his opponent had said,

“You will never be a full forward as long as your arse points to the ground”.

Not only did he perform an acrobatic rebuttal but went on to kick a lazy 6 goals.

David Threadgold’s dashing display attracted a round of sledging including,

“Just because your dog gets excited to see you each day doesn’t mean you’re cute”.

Many of David’s passes were just that but his three goals and eight behinds left him open to lines like,

“Why don’t you kick a few more behinds?”

“I can’t, I’m too busy kicking yours”, was the reply.

The West players not only sledged their opponents but also themselves.

When the ball rolled through one of their defender’s legs it was picked up by Dave McGill and snapped accurately for a goal.The defender apologised to his nearby team mates saying, “I should have kept my legs together”, which prompted one of his frustrated colleagues to reply,“I wish your mother had kept hers closed”.

One of the West players was given the nickname conferred upon Chris McDermott by the Victorian commentators when he played for the Crows. When asked why this fellow was called the “Lochness Monster”, his team mate explained that he apparently was quite a legend but unfortunately was rarely sighted.

The “Chrome Dome” syndrome unraveled the Western Crows as Threadgold, Wayne Seymour and Rob McGregor ran amok. Complaining that they were being blinded by the sun reflecting off the heads of the Supertigers, Seymour calmly explained it wasn’t the sun blinding them but the brilliance.

Gavin Reicheldt was exceptional across half back until a calf twinge caused him to exit early from the game. Randal Weekes dominated across half forward but was also seen spending a lot of time with an ice pack after the game.

Michael Toubia was awesome with the way he ran the ball out of defence and David “Runt” Wuttke racked up many possessions.

The “Leg of the Day” trophy was hotly disputed this week. Chris Hill received a nomination for his set shot which failed to make the distance from 20 metres out but the winner was “Runt”.

Gathering the ball at half forward, his aim was to pass to a fellow Tiger about 20 metres away. Lacking momentum, and confronted by an opponent closing fast, he let rip a stabbing pass. Unfortunately contact was not clean and his opponent, now four metres away braced for the smother; an unnatural act in Superules. Tragically the kick only travelled one metre. Expecting pain from the impact of smothering, the West player had stopped in his tracks. Embarrassed by his kick, “Runt” began waving arms like he had handballed it hoping this would be a more acceptable reason for the distance. The ball lay on the turf for seconds like a like an unwanted beer at the end of a heavy buck’s night.

As the game began to slip from their grasp, a few of the West players went to plan B which was to ruffle a few feathers with some slightly unorthodox physicality.

This ploy also failed and gradually the Supertigers got on top of the sledging war as well.

As one of the West players left the ground, banished for a lack of discretion, a Hills’ player asked,

“Can I borrow your brain, I’m building an idiot?”

Aleks Bojanic’s critique of one of his rucking opponents was rather damning.

“He has everything except speed, skill, stamina and coordination. However, he is tall, so as a footballer he makes a terrific contour map reference”.

It was a game high on skill, punctuated by courageous acts from both sides and accentuated by individual brilliance.

Sean Watt had an impact despite not actually taking the field. Carrying a hamstring injury caused by an uncharacteristic action which many of the Hills’ players avoid, training, he added to the sledging.At half time he asked one of the West players what was “Red, bounced and had the initials TWS on it”.When his target seemed nonplussed by the question Sean said,

”It’s the football, why don’t you try to get hold of it?”

Many of the Hills and West players have frequented the national Superules’ carnival for years and thus enjoyed each others’ company post match.

The next match is on May 30th at Lobethal when the all conquering Supertigers take on South at 12.30pm.

HILLS 16 – 13 WEST 6 – 2

Best: Threadgold, Seymour, Reicheldt, Wuttke, Kleemann, Snooks, Tombia
Goals: Snooks 6, Threadgold 3, Ryde, Magee 2, Weekes, Seymour, McGill 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 3 vs River Murray

IS IT A CONSPIRACY?

Is there a concerted and ongoing plot to unseat the Hills’ Supertigers from their long reign as Superules supremos?

Was the Melbourne Storm a victim of common place system rorting or a covert plot launched by the cunning AFL head, Andrew Demetriou, to usurp a rival code?

Did he insert two ex Saint Kilda executives into the Storm’s management team to bring down the most dominant NRL powerhouse?

Will the AFL now investigate St Kilda?

If found guilty, will they make them hand back their premiership?

Is this an example that Machiavellian plots surround us everyday?

Is everyone out to get us?

David “Runt” Wuttke thinks so. Ever since the Mel Gibson movie “Conspiracy Theory” he has lined his trademark beanie with aluminum foil to cleverly conceal his thoughts from those who seek to track his complex brain workings. Runt doesn’t wear rubber boots anymore when in the kitchen but still experiences trauma when anyone calls “Soup’s up”.

Aleks Bojanic firmly believes that the AFL Masters hierarchy is out to get him since the introduction of stricter rules declaring his appendages deadly weapons only to be used under strict guidelines. The Portland ruckman was released from hospital last week.

Wayne “Angry Anderson” Seymour is convinced the umpires are out to get him. He feels they consistently conspire to eliminate his kamikaze style of play from Superules.

Chris Hill also feels a degree of paranoia. The most senior member of the team often feels that funeral director Richard Kleemann delivers a double meaning when he says “I’ve got your measure”.

Are we being manipulated in other ways?

In Britain the party that wins the upcoming election will need to introduce a range of huge, unpopular taxes to bail the country out of debt and will undoubtedly be voted out next time. Does this explain Gordon Brown imitating Leslie Nielsen’s lapel microphone in the toilet scene from Naked Gun 2? His publicly recorded “bigot” reference to a pensioner should help him lose a lot of votes, but are the British also being manipulated?

Is our state government attempting to discourage us from gambling on racing?

The decision by Rob Lucas to virtually give away the TAB has resulted in consistently lower dividends to South Australians. Was he hoping this clever ploy would discourage us from such a pastime?

Is the media’s history of deifying sporting heroes a concerted and conscious effort to change the cognitive conscience of our nation?

Is Ricky Ponting’s position in the batting order for the World Cup more important than our trade relations with China?

Are the Pandas in the Adelaide Zoo Chinese operatives; secretly relaying strategic information back home?

Do the state and federal governments really want us to be smarter?

Their decision to introduce SACE and new SACE, which some educators believe encourage and reward mediocrity, could be a move to dumb us down.

Are the TV networks in cahoots with government?

How else does one explain the abundance of reality TV programs?

Sunday’s Superules match provided more evidence that Hills’ players exist in a culture of fear and paranoia. Gavin Reichelt and Scott Molloy were unable to play this week due to injury. Under normal circumstances injured Superulers just don’t turn up. These two not only notified the team on their unavailability but volunteered to “man the BBQ” all day hoping to ingratiate themselves to the selectors for the next match.

Stalwart Dale Wiley, a last minute withdrawal, blamed his inability to play on a plot by his wife to keep him at home. Having strained a shoulder getting the washing off the line, Dale claimed his wife had deliberately pegged the clothes on harder than normal.

Ron “Chuck” Berry has long contended that the Superules draw has been stacked against the Hills, favoring the more established clubs.

Our certified numbers man tables many examples of round one away draws against the strongest clubs. He contends that each year the Phantoms, Portland or Pooraka train for months and one is always rewarded with a first round clash with the Hills’ team, whose idea of preseason is one Sunday morning kick. It hasn’t worked. Coincidence? Our boy thinks not.

Not everyone sees that someone is out to get them. When Carl Williams’ wife prodded his stomach and said, “A bit of exercise bike won’t kill you”; who could have known what would happen next?

The Hills’ boys are just trying to stay ahead of the chasing pack.

Fortunately they again managed to stave off defeat by whipping Murray Bridge by 114 points.

Kim Pearce, Ron Berry, Rob McGregor, Michael Toubia, Andrew Frohling and Michael Hill played for Murray Bridge, assisting them to score some of their goals. The junior Hill created further history by being the first son to play against his father in a Superules match.

The Hill’s team welcomed another newcomer, former Port Power listed player David Threadgold, who remarkably got through his first game without injury.

Mark Jaensch injured his pride by losing face over a number of “botched” dropkicks and Damon Wilson increased the paranoia of absent full forward, Gary Magee, by slotting a lazy 5 goals.

Neil Thomson has increased his sporting options by joining former Supertigers’ champion, Alex Tucker, in coaching a netball team. This fall back position comes as a result of the latest conspiracy theory relating to his Superules’ team. Neil is convinced that he will soon be forced out by prejudice against his current vocation.

Over the past two years the number of teachers playing has risen from an average of two to its current status of six, and growing. As the incestuous increase in the number of members of this exclusive clique continues, it is obvious that they will soon hold the balance of power. This recruiting move, that has created a powerful association to rival Free Masons, has made the rest of the team very edgy.

Too much education, too many thinkers; a genuine threat to a benevolent dictatorship.

Uneasy is the head that wears the crown.

HILLS 23 – 7 MURRAY BRIDGE 5 – 1
Best: All played well
Goals: Wilson 5, Snooks 4, Watt, Hill 3, Kemp, Bojanic 2, McGill, Threadgold, Jaensch, Thomson 1

The Ross Wall File - Round 2 vs BLACKWOOD

SUPERULERS FOLLOW FEVOLA’S LEAD

Brendan Fevola’s admission that he had a gambling problem prompted a number of the over 35s footballers to acknowledge their respective afflictions.

Kim Pearce admitted he had a problem with beer. This stems from a desire to rid the world of the liquid yeast derivative. To further achieve his goal on Sunday Kim played for opposition side Blackwood in a match which produced a landslide Hills’ victory. Kim forfeited his place in the team’s 21st consecutive victory to gain access to the Blackwood team’s beer esky. Once his post match task was completed Kim progressed to demolish the contents of the Hills’ beer insulator. Concerned that he sensed amber fluid was still flowing within the Pooraka clubrooms, Kim ended his campaign in there.

Simon Kemp (pictured chasing the umpire home after the game) admitted he had an anger management problem when the normally mild mannered “Mr. Cool” lost his composure over a high tackle which lasted long enough for his head to be removed and then stitched back on. When no free was forthcoming, and the umpire called for a ball up, Kemp smashed the ball into the ground so hard it could have registered another earthquake on the Richter scale.

No reading was recorded on this occasion but discussion of the recent earthquake prompted sturdy ruckman, Aleks Bojanic to deny that he fell out of bed at 11.38pm on Friday night two kilometres south of Mount Barker.

Aleks pointed out that it could have been anyone of a number of Superules’ players. His argument hinged on the fact that the collective weight of the last three on Sunday’s best players’ list would be in excess of 400 kgs.

Damon Wilson, who suggested that he “Made the earth move” for his wife on Friday night, disputed that an earthquake even occurred.

Tom Hancock, who missed all the pre season due to glandular fever, admitted that

his compulsion to play was affecting his health. Astute medical advice warned Tommy not to play for 6 months so he did the only logical thing possible; sought other medical opinions until the equivalent of The Simpson’s Dr Nick, told Tommy he could play. His flame burned for a full ten minutes, including two goals, before adjourning, exhausted, to the pine for the rest of the match.

Damien Dolman admitted to the premature onset of Alzheimer’s following his vigorous and enthusiastic shaking of the Blackwood players’ hands at three quarter time as he thanked them for the game. He later admitted the same disorder, when after the match, he put his football gear back on in the change rooms and asked where the coach wanted him to play.

In form but insatiable full forward Gary Magee kicked six but finally admitted the angst he experiences when team mates share his pleasurable pass time. His need to kick goals is matched only by the absence of desire to hand off to team mates when within 50 metres of his personal Nirvana. Gary suggested the logical cure was to let him kick all the goals.

He even sledged David “Runt” Wuttke who was running towards an unattended goal square hoping to break his goal scoring duck. “Runt” was so overwhelmed by “advice” from Magee that the ball slid off his boot and from 15 metres scraped through for a point.

Two more debutants admitted they had joined the “Midlife Crisis Club” by donning the black and gold of the troubled troupe for the first time.

Randall Weeks excelled, suggesting he could do other more functional things with his time, while Gavin Reichelt fitted in perfectly by injuring himself during the match.

Funeral director, Richard Kleemann, again ran riot, dominating the midfield and delivering 5 goals in the process. He did, however, admit to an obsession with checking out the general state of health of his opposition. Glancing back at the panting opponents as he skips away, he is constantly assessing the likely demographic of each team’s local area with a view to extending the coverage of his family business.

Not all the players have been able to admit their respective addictions.

In last week’s game, Dave McGill left the field during a tense last quarter against Portland with “hamstring tightness”. He later admitted the tightness was actually a little higher up describing it as a “Twinge in the betting hip pocket”. It would appear that his need to gamble overcame his commitment to play. Dave was adamant that he didn’t have a problem and was keen to lay a substantial wager with any one prepared to bet that he did have. He also offered the team manager “Double or Nothing” on his match fees for that game.

Another who has yet to recognise his problem is Andrew Frohling.

A highly proficient, and occasionally ruthless defender, he continues to insist that his best position is in the forward lines. “Cunning like a fox”, Andrew washed the guernseys after last weeks game to earn the right to pick his position on match day.

Starting at centre half forward, and slotting an early goal, he became unbearable in his gloating and was swiftly returned to the backlines.

The heart warming cry of “Who’s on Pearcy?” has been a source of reassurance and delight to the Supertigers for years. The same words generated a different reaction on Sunday as he was wearing green and red and again running amok without an opponent in sight. No one in the Hills’ team would admit that he was their problem prompting hard working Wayne Seymour to sit down on the wing in frustration and exhaustion having tried unsuccessfully to track the resilient 53 year old.

Chris Hill admitted that while creating history with the first father son combination in Superules gave him significant satisfaction he took great delight in scoring more goals than Michael.

Next game for the triumphant Tigers is in two weeks at Lobethal when they take on River Murray.

HILLS 25 – 14 BLACKWOOD 4 – 7

Best: Kemp, Kleemann, Seymour, Weeks, Magee, Bojanic, Wilson
Goals: Magee 6, Kleemann 5, Bojanic, Weeks 3, Wilson, Hancock 2, Frohling, Dolman, Kemp, Hill Snr. 1